Bianca Kovacs - Standup comedy

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Comedy Central Podcast. Don' t
be false. I know we' re

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all bound here today. Not so
do it right and nothing' s gonna

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happen to you. Otherwise, I' m naked and I' ll tell

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you the afternoon. I' ll
leave the bag here in case there are

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Romanians in the room. I used
to be Romanian, but I took off.

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Now I' m a person and
why I tell you to treat me

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well, because I' m no
longer human, but my cousins are still

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human then it' s not for
threatening, it' s just to speed

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up a bit. This you know
the eggs of being human. I swear

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to you, the questions people were
asking me all the time and what is

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the typical food of your country.
I' m saying I didn' t

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hear Bian saying that when the hunger
games came out in your country, it

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was a documentary in Romania. When
fruit found the year. I' ve

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been pawning it like this all the
time for 20 fucking years. You understand

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why I want to be Spanish,
this in your country. If you haven

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' t stolen from me, I
say we' re that selective. We

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didn' t steal from Asshole.
Please, it' s more, it

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' s more. You owe me
one so you wouldn' t have to

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move. Dine me to steal you, you here. I used to be

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a mangatist, mangat and deny it, but you egg it. I'

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m going for grandviel the first thing
I see mango. I mean, they

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' re screaming at her pussy and
people are proud to have stolen. Yeah,

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' cause I' m good at
you guys don' t look rajo

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and she could have the pussy craving
you' re being told steals up to

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four hundred euros. It' s
called theft, because nothing, because you

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have a lot of anxiety. Four
hundred euros I stole a day, but

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no longer. I' m a
person now, but I have Romanian sequels

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left. Uh, for example,
when I stepped on this instead of focusing

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on you guys, it was who
the fuck messed up this stage. They

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take me to five- star hotels
and I no longer get the shampoo,

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but the artichoke shower caeh hahahahahahahahahahahaha.
You' re telling me. You'

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re your expressions that already taught me. The monkey gets dressed as a cada

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mona doesn' t stay, but
I have an excuse. At least I

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was poor, little dieres, I
was more pussy than ever, and when

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I made him, I was poor
too, not me anymore. My brothers

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and I washed our teeth with the
same brush. Now we have the same

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cavities as you gave me for remigration, because here I learned that the pads

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for the rule are not reversible.
But when you turn it around, you

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save yourself the waxing, ha ha
ha ha ha. I' m fine,

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I' m going through a transition. I feel very identified with transy

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people not because I was born in
Transylvania, it' s because I feel

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very Spanish. I' m a
Spaniard in Romanian' s body and I

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' m acting like one. I' ve been hanging out with you lately.

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I do things like I stay at
ten with a friend and I get

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to prays and a half is a
joke. I' ll stay at ten

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for coffee and have two bermuts.
I speak in pesetas now. I made

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a friend, but you were here
when the pesetas said no, but you

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don' t speak English and say
you' re a male and I do

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that as thank God. It'
s a couple is that the fuck of

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this is that I don' t
know if you like me or it'

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s out of fear or because these
people have forced you. So it'

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s not a reference, you know, so maybe I' m equally undressed

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by the no. But I do
things like you, I say, oh,

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see if we can see each other
tomorrow. I' ll call you

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and donkey his number. I bought
a second house in town and says my

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mother and the first one where you
have it. I don' t have

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it. Now I' m going
on a romantic scene with my husband,

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a restaurant and a terrepent and I' m starting to talk. That'

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s why he screams no Spanish screams, oh hahahaha, and you' re

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also giving me too much wine that
has to suck you, the boss brings

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another one. I do real things. I' m seriously thinking about voting

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for Vox. What happens is that
my friends say, but they' re

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going to throw your family out and
I say look at me saving Sunday lunches.

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I have nothing against foreigners to me
if they come to work. I

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' ve learned your expressions, but
it cost me fuckers today. You use

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the same word for everything a friend
of mine tells me, take off my

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thorns. Now he' s on
crutches. It' s just that you

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mistook me for you and asked my
husband for his mouth. I say"

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tate" with a song in my
teeth and they call me Bianca auntie you

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have a lot of cresivity contained.
I say content is not. I'

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m not okay. This fucking transition
process is taking a long time for nationality

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to be given to me for a
year and a half and, like the

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people after, there is no turning
back to get Spanish nationality. I have

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to give up the Romanians'.
I mean, you see what the problem

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is. I go to my country' s TV and I was very,

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very happy and I started the performance
and I said I' m really excited

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to be here tonight. My grandmother
told me I' m not going to

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die quietly until you act on Romanian
TV. Grandma, you can do this.

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Have a favor. He got angry, but the thing is, he

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died quietly. Really. People have
been angry at this performance. Comedians think

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we' re gonna do something funny
and suddenly you get a lot of stuff.

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It' s like how lucky people
like you don' t want to

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reproduce? Yo, what bad luck
people like you don' t know what

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suicide was? Don' t even
think about going back to this quiet country.

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I didn' t think of it. If, in addition, right

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now, humans are migrating to Ukraine
to occupy houses that are free, I

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don' t care. Everyone won' t like it See how far my

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ego goes I talk to myself and
I talk about myself. I' m

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in an argument and I say it' s not me, it' s

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you, but at least I can
tell you know, I' m fine,

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even if you think I' m
not. I don' t know

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how those people who pretend to be
happy all the time aren' t a

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little out of it. I,
since I have used reason, have made

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it quite clear to me that the
secret of happiness is not to be born.

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People are looking for constant happiness,
it' s like you' re

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looking for the eternal coke stripe.
I think you have to learn from the

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pigs are very happy in their shit. In fact, I' ve already

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got the idea. Four good things
happen to me. I mean the fifth.

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You' ll see the shit that
gives me life. I see it

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coming and I take advantage of everything, for example, when I have been

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cut off, because thanks to that
I learned to connect to a lamppost.

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A junkie for a junkie. Accidents
are super important and so it has material

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is that it seems that they are
all complaints. A building collapses. Uh,

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what a problem that creates work for
truckers who collect debris. It says

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already Bianca dead two elders. You
know what it' s worth to keep

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a truck, plus the honesty of
leaving when you get the pussy that not

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everyone knows how to leave. Hey, I' m a hair beetle.

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I take the shit. They tell
me you trust your husband. I trust

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that if you can and I don' t find out, you' re

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cheating on me, it' s
trust, no, but if I don

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' t find out, uh,
because I, on the day of the

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wedding, the only thing I thought
of telling you was to treat me well,

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or I' ll sleep with your
father and end up calling me Mom.

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I' m fine, what happens
that three years ago many loved ones

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and my family started to die and
there was a moment that I did stay

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a bit like that. But of
course, in these almost three years,

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curiously I have become increasingly known,
that is, they are dying and I

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fulfill my goals and I say,
it is clear that God wants a deal

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with me. It seems to me
very good that they sacrifice themselves for my

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own sake I can have them die, because of course I doubt my representative

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had just sent me a message that
I was proposed for a small and clear

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job. My mother came to visit
me and eating the bon, said she

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swallowed it, and I was,
like, a few seconds doubting you.

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I say the safe, I don' t save her, I say I

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' ll save her. It'
s my mom I' m gonna save

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it for a better project. Or
else, of course. Now I'

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m very much in those, I' m very focused. That' s

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my life project. I mean with
abortions it' s worth or santiabortist destiny

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maybe. He doesn' t consider
them people. I also thought I'

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d get into a hospital. You
know how to make monologues. If I

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catch them, honey, I'
ve got a tail. Or I'

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m on the side of a cemetery
now and I' m telling you how

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many untapped projects. You know,
I' m fine less. This summer

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I was in August in the Canary
Islands. Guys, don' t know

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what the fuck I left. I
started bleeding in a very rare way and

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I started worrying, obviously, and
what they tell you first, don'

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t look at Google. They don' t tell you that, don'

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t Google. You do the first
thing you look at on Google. It

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was either pregnancy or cancer. And
I say fuck, I don' t

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know which of the two things suits
me. Well, one of the two

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options leaves you lifeless, but cancer
can kill you, too. I didn

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' t spend two days like that, two years changing diapers, those six

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months of chemo. I didn'
t know what to choose. And I

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finally got to Madrid and went,
obviously, I went to the hospital and

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well, after a lot of tests, I don' t know what.

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I don' t know how much
a doctor came out and tells me bion

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ca codas I say yes, yes. It' s me you' re

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talking about at the comedy club.
I saw you at the theater. I

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say yes, and it says well, because here' s your analysis.

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I say mono DOCTOR, whatever it
is, I' d like to know

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the truth. He liked my monologue. I' m preoccupied with my career

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and now that my mother already understands
it, because this summer, when she

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came, I tell her to get
dressed shower that at nine I have to

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be at the club. I knew
you worked at a club. I say

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no mom, that in this club
men come with their women. You already

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say what you have to do there. He gave them nothing to entertain Notice

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that they come to vent and see
a happy ending and he says how much

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they pay the entrance and I say
twenty- two euros. Says shit,

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kiddo. When I thought I was
gonna die. By the way, don

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' t be worried. When I
talk about cancer, I see you hunt

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worried faces. My friend, the
one with cancer, is more excited than

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you. I really have a friend
and with the ninth operation I already called

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him for his birthday and said no
no no how it goes. You'

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ve been called a lot of people. Yeah, yeah, I' ve

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been loved by a lot of people, but no one' s ever told

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me to do much more. I
was so worried about how much when I

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thought I was going to die.
I was worried about my little cat dinner,

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I named them warriors and they got
scared with a fly. I feel

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like a mother of this one who
thought her son was going to be a

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lawyer and she' s already out
drug addicted. Seeing I love my cats

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and I don' t trust anyone
to take care of them later. Good,

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' cause there' s my neighbor. Every time I pass with the

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sand bag into the trash. Two
cats don' t just eat shit and

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sleep I say like your son,
the forty- year- old says my

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son, at least he gives me
conversation. I say that' s what

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saves me. I know and I
also know that my husband' s bastard

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is not going to take good care
of cats, because one of the jackasses

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is going to make a big noise
and I say uncle, why don'

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t you clean up and come and
eat the other one. We' re

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underestimating cats. You know they remove
negativity from the house or they don'

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t remove negativity. He sits on
the site with more negativity. Friend taxena,

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sit here always to see I was. You know that in every gym

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you enter there is a machine that
measures your fat you weigh more unnecessary things.

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I take out the paper at the
end. Sure I say, come

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on, let' s measure the
fat and all this shit for something.

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I pay for the gym and take
out the paper and put metabolic sixty-

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two years and I what the fuck
is that I say, thirty- nine

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is the new sixty- two.
You know why if I didn' t

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explain before the machines treated you well, not his tobacco. Please, now

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the door I don' t know
what and now it' s calling me

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old and also what euphemism that metabolic
age is. It' s like I

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' m sleeping with a guy and
telling him the molecules in your penis are

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so tiny. The place to say
short pizza, it could also be something

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small, wow, something because you
have to work is worth. You didn

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' t come here just for this
we' ll see. You' re

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going to have to do one thing
that' s vigo, that' s

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it, you have to do one
thing that' s very simple, but

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don' t stop, even if
I stop I can stop. Not you

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but this can also go up and
nothing happens. You guys have to do

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it. Pam? Pam? Pam? Pam? Pam? Pam? It

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' s like Tun Compan, A
Tun Compan, you' re able to

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make a minute. That trusts you. Hey, don' t see the

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assholes from another bowling alley. You
know come play, study your fucking language.

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Now it' s your turn to
do this Okay, because I'

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ve prepared a song so they don' t say I' m not a

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full artist. Okay, people go
and sing it in shows. I mean,

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it' s okay with me,
too, so you guys are making

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a company, but no higher.
That I' m worth it, whether

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it' s understood or not.
That' s it Don' t stop

210
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until I say it' s okay. I' ve got another one in

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my bag for real, that'
s right, one, two, three.

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I' m forced to sing this
song and I know that at such

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a level I look like a douche
bag to you, but I want you

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to know that it cures me a
lot. You may think I need a

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script, but just with my cool
accent Mogollón making a fool of me didn

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' t fit into my plans,
but it was either that or handing out

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00:16:40.120 --> 00:16:44.039
hosts like breads applauding me for a
minute. If I don' t electrocute

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you, let' s go.
Thank you very much, thank you very

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much, thank you very little,
very little,