Santi Alveru - Standup show

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Comedy Central Podcast. Thank you,
thank you, Chavales, thank you,

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uh, uh, I' m
very happy to be here. Jo,

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I' m so happy. Years
ago in a confused little guy in Oviedo

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who had comedians on TV I'
m already recording it for Comedy Central and

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thank you for being here. We' re gonna get on very well.

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I also tell you I work a
covering up all that it takes to get

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out of there makes me happy all
that it takes and that it' s

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not dani mateo nearby. It'
s amazing. I' m gone scared

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Havido. Twelve years they put a
very large Spanish flag in the center of

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the city. I don' t
understand the fashion of putting flags from Spain.

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All the time it' s in
case you get lost, you know,

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if you get nervous you don'
t know what country you' re

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in and suddenly you look and say
uh, suddenly you see a nigger in

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the distance you get scared, but
the flag is there. You' re

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saying it' s a bad thing. I thought I was in Portugal again.

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Local politics is fascinating because in order
to put that flag of Spain they

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removed some banks that had previously painted
with the flag of gay pride. For

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some reason, the two things couldn' t be at once, you know,

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Spain is like the son of divorced
parents who are both addicted to bricomania.

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Hey, Tim, why does it
happen, why do you cry,

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how Mom forced you to burn the
statue of Christopher Columbus that we did last

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week and put in place a monument
Emilia Pardo Bazán. Don' t worry,

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Temmy. This week it' s
your turn with Dad and if you

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behave yourself, we dedicate a street
to Milana is and if you behave yourself

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very well. We make it a
frank position and or, and I think

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the secret to making local politics work
is mixing. You want to dedicate a

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street to Rivera' s cousin without
a problem in Chueca. You want to

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put up a flag with the cool
eagle, but have them held by a

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parrot statue. You want to dedicate
a great frank statue to him, Franco

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' s head and Cherique' s
body. Oh living in Asturias, you

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' ll live you' re Wild, you' re studying in Wild.

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I dated a girl, she was
a vegetarian and a Nazi. It was

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harder for my family to understand it
as a vegetarian. You know, I

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took it with me, introduced it
to my parents. We went to eat

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at a restaurant. She ordered a
plate of baked vegetables because they had the

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two things she liked the most.
Or is this it? He liked all

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vegetables, except beans. Is that
it? Yeah? Is he? Yeah?

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Is he? Yeah? Is he? Yeah? Is he? Yeah?

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Is he? Yeah? Is this
it? The vegans are very concentration

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camp, is that it? Total
good. He ordered a plate of baked

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vegetables in Oviedo, Asturias, the
capital of the Cachopo, the meat and

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my mother told him, before ordering
the dish of baked vegetables, ask if

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it carries meat. I told Mom, it' s called baked vegetables,

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how I' m going to bring
meat. Well, we asked the waiter

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and he told us, man,
a little bacon. Yes, he'

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s wearing ja Asturias. I cut
you Asturias. He' s violent.

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I have friends, my friends,
they' re crazy, my friends because

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they' re from there. The
other day I was with my colleague Sergio

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in a discotheque and suddenly we started
talking to a girl and we asked her

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what you do and she tells us
I am manager at Luis Viton and my

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colleague Sergio excited, excited, tell
me more. And I' ve been

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freaking out since when he gives a
shit. Sergio the bags and I left

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him there and after a while I
see him alone and I ask him,

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man, what happened and he says
shut up he thought he said Buittony.

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The guy asked her how she lived
at the Terradillas house. From now on,

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I have another colleague named the batter. The batter. The bat was

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a summer. He took care of
dogs. It' s okay for people

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to go on vacation and then I
needed someone to take care of the dogs.

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He had a very large garden where
he left all the dogs there to

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see. Every time I see a
sign looking for it, I know where

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that dog is buried in that garden. Anyway, for some reason, people

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trusted the dogs, my colleague,
the bat, and one day we were

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on the beach with him and they
call him on the phone and he takes

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him very angry, very angry and
says yes, yes, yes, fuck,

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yes, yes, yes. I
told you I was good again,

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it was this morning, but every
flight this afternoon comes bye and I ask

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Batera, what' s up.
Says nothing, man, a guy I

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have to give him back the dog, but that' s it. I

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' ll give it back to you
this afternoon, that' s all.

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It was a dog. Guide somewhere, somewhere there was a blind man who

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couldn' t leave home because my
colleague wanted to take a mojito nothing.

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I have a slightly longer history with
this with my colleagues. Once in Paris.

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I did the month in Paris and
came to visit my colleague Rodrigo Vale,

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and Paris is too expensive to go
out at night. Then we found

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a bar walking around that would put
drinks at fifteen bucks. Imagine yourself as

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expensive Paris, which we said we' re going to come in here and

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take the last paste we have the
last money. We went into that bar.

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And that bar at the beginning was
weird, because a security came in

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and separated us. Okay. He
put me on a couch and my colleague

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Rodri was taken by another room that
I already noticed something weird. But when

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you travel it' s like you
don' t know if you offend by

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asking about customs. That' s
where you know how you see someone who

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' s killing him on the street
and you say I can take pictures.

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Then I did not ask anything and
suddenly a girl approaches me, which in

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my experience does not happen. And
the girl tells me you want a dance

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which my experience doesn' t happen
and I tell her how she does want

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a bar that if I want to
dance with you and she says no no

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if you want me to dance to
you and I' m in a whorehouse.

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I said they treated me like a
king in merit. Totally good and

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I say no. No, no, no, no, no. No.

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I' m cool, I'
m cool. Thank you very much.

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No. No. I don'
t want any dancing and I don

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' t. No. No.
Thank you. And your colleague Rodrigo tells

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me, he' s in a
room upstairs with a friend of mine and

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she' s dancing with him.
I said I' m sorry I doubted

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that Rodric, who took out a
ten last year in religion, was a

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colleague of mine. I' m
doing what you say, but still I

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' m really cool. I don' t want anything and she insisted and

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I didn' t and she says
well, because buy me a drink and

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I' ll buy you a drink
maybe two, because I' m a

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little to blame Judeo Cristiana and after
half an hour the security comes and brings

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us the bill and I owe four
hundred euros and I tell you, gentleman,

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I don' t know how things
are going in France. I imagine

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you' re going up here differently, because you' re doing better.

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But fifteen plus fifteen plus fifteen plus
fifteen until you' re fifteen plus fifteen,

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they don' t give four hundred
and the guy points the letter to

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me and it turns out that the
cup I' m inviting the girl to

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was worth one hundred and fifty bucks. One thing like that, and who

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was going to tell you that in
a whorehouse I thought you already, already,

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now, now, no, now, that didn' t come out

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any total meli. I' m
telling you, I don' t take

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money. I tell you the gentleman
this won' t be possible. I

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don' t have any money.
He tells me no problem. Number two

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' s bigger than number one'
s safe. He grabs me by the

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neck and gets me a cashier in
front of the whorehouse and I' ll

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be crazy there like you' re
your Spanish fool. Ah I don'

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t know what I' m making
us know without a smoothie any longer to

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Napoleon che gan uncle and I'
m still trying to use the subway card

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to get money out. Well,
when I get the guy that I'

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m stupid, then I get back
into the whorehouse. In the meantime,

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they' re taking my colleague Rodri
out because they' re doing the same

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thing to him, and we say
hello there as we are fools. Yeah,

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and I walk into the whorehouse,
and then the thing' s really

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tense. There' s number one
security. He' s holding me by

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the neck. He takes off the
sticker tie, which I think is an

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incredible detail for the movie we were
shooting at the time. He takes off

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the sticker tie. Raise your fist
and just before I broke my face,

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you hear a voice in the background
and someone says eh pay. Me about

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that. You guys know who Melendi
was. They didn' t hit us,

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obviously, no, but I just
wanted to see your faces for a

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second thinking Melendia is a whore.
They hit him from here started Melendi and

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I how he knows. I'
m glad. I' m glad to

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have friends who are better than friends
of celebrities. You know evil. They

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have real friends with whom I spend
these bullshit anecdotes, because famous friends are

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fake friends, they' re friends
with whom you presume to be fake friends.

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I can' t brag about my
drug colleague. You know the drug

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is the one that takes you on
a Tuesday all of a sudden to see

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if you can come to sleep at
your house one night and continue Sunday with

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you smoking joints and eating pizza.
You know it' s like a Napoleon.

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It' s like Napoleon in like. You open the door and you

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say drugs and that suitcase and it
says what suitcase not suitcase, hops,

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what the fuck not. These aren' t coassans. I' m going

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to run for compact. Aylas nothing
to invade your house. Nothing. I

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know what you' re thinking if
you' re under the age of twenty,

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Napoleon is a trapper and if you' re over twenty, Napoleon,

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he doesn' t speak like Santi
when he speaks French, Henry. Right.

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I' m very grateful to have
the friends I have. I'

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m freaked out by the friends I
have, because people are horrible and I

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' d be horrified to have to
meet new people. People are so boring.

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People don' t make sense.
People have stopped making sense of how

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high leisure is. What' s
the point of finding Peña, what'

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s the point of finding people when
you can be in your house watching TV

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What' s the point of people
making sense before in the Middle Ages,

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when they played or shit like chess
or mancala. You know what mancala is?

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Don' t you think you don' t know what mancala is?

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I' ll explain. The mancala
is a game in which you move seeds

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around a board, eh, and
win the one that has the most seeds

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in the end. That shit was
the funniest thing five hundred years ago.

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Now, for twenty- four bucks
you buy a thing that dirtys your clitoris

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and also tempted on the Internet and
you see asses of celebrities whatever you want,

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that there are also museums and exhibitions
and concerts and whatever you want,

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but we all know that amazing two
thousand twenty- two that you have the

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ass of whoever you want on the
Internet. People are so bored in the

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Middle Ages. When you saw someone
new, you freaked out because you lived

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in a house in the middle of
nowhere with your wife and your kids you

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wanted to kill, you know planting
tomatoes, and then one day there was

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a traveler in front of your house, a person you' d never seen

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before and it was a holiday.
It was a day like or a new

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gentleman. Please tell me where you
are from Murcia. You' ve never

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heard of that magical place of yours. Call Murcia. Please, come inside

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my house and eat my food.
Sleep in my bed. Foyese to my

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children, but tell me about murciaaaaaaaa
j Now people don' t make sense.

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Everybody' s the same. You' re meeting a girl. The

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conversation is you have anxiety. I' ve got considerate, too. Everyone

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has anxiety. We' re just
imagining cutting someone off is a lot harder.

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Now, man, cut someone off, you tempt, cut up with

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a girl. Now you can'
t La? Do you have all the

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time in instagram? You' ve
got it all the time on your cell

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phone. You' ve got to
fuck it. You have to fuck her

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parents. You have to make a
doggy fuck that you didn' t ironically

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create the two of you together.
You know before in the middle. It

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was so easy. It was so
easy. You convinced the whole town that,

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since Bride was a witch and you
saw as ordeal, the loaf was

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those bitches. We took you home, you fucked yourself to make cousin,

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and that' s it. Okay, I' m gonna finish up with

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a joke. It' s a
popular joke. This is a guy who

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loses his keys at night and starts
looking for them under a lamppost. He

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approaches a policeman and calls him a
gentleman, I can help him and yes.

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I lost my car keys and it
says where you lost them and it

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says down there and why it'
s looking under the lamppost, because there

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' s light here. Don'
t look just where they tell you to

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buy a flashlight. I' m
Sanchez, Perus. Thank you very much.

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Thank you You' ll see.