Jorge Guerra - Vida en inglaterra

WEBVTT

1
00:00:02.080 --> 00:00:16.199
Comedy Central Podcast. You heard my
name is Jorge Guerra. If there'

2
00:00:16.199 --> 00:00:19.800
s anyone who hasn' t found
out I' m a deaf mute,

3
00:00:19.800 --> 00:00:22.640
something you can read here. In
addition, the first with j has written

4
00:00:22.719 --> 00:00:27.320
it well the second with g is
seen that this rock ended FP and such

5
00:00:27.359 --> 00:00:31.239
when I present myself I usually go
to the point and say that I am

6
00:00:31.239 --> 00:00:34.920
metro asexual, that here many people
stay like this thinking and I know that

7
00:00:34.960 --> 00:00:40.280
it is curious a guy that reproduces
by geming, not even by spores more

8
00:00:40.280 --> 00:00:42.280
than I am metro asexual. It' s just that I give up my

9
00:00:44.520 --> 00:00:45.439
hair, but I don' t
fuck and where' s the fun.

10
00:00:45.880 --> 00:00:49.320
You know. I' ve come
to think that it' s because of

11
00:00:49.359 --> 00:00:51.799
me that I have something to do
with it. I also think that living

12
00:00:51.799 --> 00:00:55.840
in Valladolid, because look bad boy
of many. You know or if you

13
00:00:55.840 --> 00:00:58.600
know the fame that girls have in
Valladolid, I see that there is not

14
00:00:58.600 --> 00:01:02.439
a group on Facebook that says I
once said hello to a girl from Valladolid

15
00:01:02.520 --> 00:01:04.239
and I almost took a host.
I mean, I mean, if I

16
00:01:04.319 --> 00:01:07.480
get the fuck out of here without
fucking saying hello, you know what?

17
00:01:07.560 --> 00:01:08.760
Another day I spend an aunt,
I say later I throw myself out,

18
00:01:08.959 --> 00:01:14.040
I get a shit. I say
Maribel, I' m your fucking brother

19
00:01:18.680 --> 00:01:21.519
to see that. You go to
Valladolid, you meet an aunt, you

20
00:01:21.560 --> 00:01:23.040
give her two kisses and she makes
you the cobra. I mean, it

21
00:01:23.079 --> 00:01:26.480
' s not normal. You put
a computer on the Internet in Valladolid.

22
00:01:26.480 --> 00:01:30.120
When you get the typical banner this
of looking sluts in your area. I

23
00:01:30.120 --> 00:01:34.480
always give to the one who does
and I leave the circle to this looking,

24
00:01:37.879 --> 00:01:42.200
searching, searching and in the end
you send me alamanca. You know

25
00:01:42.120 --> 00:01:48.719
that' s not a dick.
I also told you I was waxing.

26
00:01:48.799 --> 00:01:51.040
This isn' t about hobby.
I' m saying it' s not

27
00:01:51.079 --> 00:01:53.079
about hobby and there are guys who
wax more and more. I know because

28
00:01:53.120 --> 00:01:57.000
you don' t see hair in
your urinals anymore, but mine is out

29
00:01:57.000 --> 00:01:57.159
of necessity. You know, I
was going for a man. I stayed

30
00:01:57.159 --> 00:02:01.280
in a fucking monkey. Go say
the human body seventy percent water. I

31
00:02:01.319 --> 00:02:07.000
must be dry. You know,
I don' t see my feet,

32
00:02:07.520 --> 00:02:10.520
I mean fuck if I' m
a hobbit. You know I can'

33
00:02:10.560 --> 00:02:14.520
t go out in summer for a
walk in my flip flops without being laughed

34
00:02:14.599 --> 00:02:15.319
at I' m told where you' re going. That' s where

35
00:02:15.400 --> 00:02:19.280
the bite is on the other side, so then they tell me the human

36
00:02:19.319 --> 00:02:22.039
body is the perfect machine of shit. That' s why I' m

37
00:02:22.120 --> 00:02:24.719
getting bald and I have hairs on
my shoulders, so start using the gel

38
00:02:24.759 --> 00:02:29.879
for my head. Shampoo to the
rest of the body pussy. Then you

39
00:02:29.919 --> 00:02:37.360
know the champuache that head and shoulders, if the only guy who used champu

40
00:02:37.400 --> 00:02:46.919
with a criterion. I' m
much more concerned about the hair that comes

41
00:02:46.960 --> 00:02:49.599
out in places where I shouldn'
t have hairs on my back, which

42
00:02:49.639 --> 00:02:53.439
is that I look like a kiwi. All I mean, I sweat and

43
00:02:53.439 --> 00:02:55.599
he turns his back on me like
he' s cool with the quick watering

44
00:02:55.599 --> 00:03:05.639
lawn. You know, it'
s mud, because seriously, my ass

45
00:03:05.680 --> 00:03:07.759
has hairs. You know, they
call him bald a lot. I can

46
00:03:07.840 --> 00:03:10.759
' t, you know. I
crouch here, you think you' re

47
00:03:10.800 --> 00:03:15.400
seeing an iwak with mumps. You
know. It' s very frustrating when

48
00:03:15.439 --> 00:03:16.960
I go with the coleras with the
car. We do the typical thing that

49
00:03:17.039 --> 00:03:21.879
guys do about pulling their asses out
the window, that we do. You

50
00:03:21.960 --> 00:03:25.680
don' t know how frustrating it
is to get ahead of you with a

51
00:03:25.719 --> 00:03:30.000
car and far from offending, it' s funny, look at a doggy,

52
00:03:30.719 --> 00:03:37.120
look out and I' m going
to throw it away. But now

53
00:03:37.120 --> 00:03:38.639
that you know my name, you
know where I' m from. You

54
00:03:38.680 --> 00:03:43.080
know I' m padded. I' m gonna be more serious. I

55
00:03:43.080 --> 00:03:45.520
' m going to talk about my
real profession, and I' m a

56
00:03:45.520 --> 00:03:47.919
veterinarian. Right, I took the
race a long time ago. I think

57
00:03:47.919 --> 00:03:51.840
the money had something to do with
all this, and I' m glad

58
00:03:51.840 --> 00:03:54.520
it' s already a professor.
You know all that that by the laughs

59
00:03:54.560 --> 00:04:00.000
I reduce that there is more than
one graduate around here, because it is

60
00:04:00.080 --> 00:04:01.360
curious, like everyone assumes that,
by the fact of being a veterinarian,

61
00:04:01.520 --> 00:04:04.840
I have to know everything about all
the animals on earth. I mean,

62
00:04:04.840 --> 00:04:08.879
they' ve come to ask me, I promise you, I hear Jorge

63
00:04:08.919 --> 00:04:12.719
seen in a documentary that the furry
Argentine armadillo, in long periods of starvation,

64
00:04:12.719 --> 00:04:15.280
can become scavengers. That' s
true. I' m so fucking

65
00:04:15.280 --> 00:04:18.399
sorry, so go fucking vet.
I don' t know if you think

66
00:04:18.480 --> 00:04:24.000
there are armadillo- type subjects in
the race, not for citizenship. They

67
00:04:24.079 --> 00:04:26.279
don' t give you credit.
No, fuck you, you know it

68
00:04:26.279 --> 00:04:29.480
happens to me. It happens a
lot when they know I' m a

69
00:04:29.519 --> 00:04:38.279
veterinarian, they tell me ah vet, because my pussy has a cat MM

70
00:04:38.279 --> 00:04:40.399
and there' s a pause.
Not like waiting for my reaction, like

71
00:04:40.439 --> 00:04:42.879
I gave a shit about the cat
and the wedge. It' s like

72
00:04:42.879 --> 00:04:46.319
I see a fucking computer, because
my father has a mac but a half.

73
00:04:46.360 --> 00:04:48.639
How you stayed there, but I
fice uh, you fuck, I

74
00:04:57.000 --> 00:05:00.839
worked at a veterinary clinic. I
remember that the typical sign came with his

75
00:05:00.839 --> 00:05:02.399
pet, a dog or a cat, because you know that people are not

76
00:05:02.439 --> 00:05:04.959
dogs or cats. Then they tell
me you' re a sea of dogs

77
00:05:04.959 --> 00:05:08.360
or a cat. I mean,
don' t call it weird, but

78
00:05:08.439 --> 00:05:10.920
I' ve had beef chops.
You know, the typical lady came to

79
00:05:10.959 --> 00:05:13.720
me with her dog, a little
dog, an ugly thing. I didn

80
00:05:13.759 --> 00:05:16.279
' t know if a dog,
a pendriife that shit and for her he

81
00:05:16.439 --> 00:05:18.399
' s a gorgeous dog and he' s the smartest thing in the world.

82
00:05:18.439 --> 00:05:21.160
He tells me if my animal is
smart I put my shoes on,

83
00:05:21.480 --> 00:05:25.000
I put on my coat, I
take the leash and you know we go

84
00:05:25.000 --> 00:05:28.560
to the street and I say smell
it eh who it will have gone out

85
00:05:28.560 --> 00:05:34.879
to. But deep down, that
sincere lady, because imagine of the lady

86
00:05:34.920 --> 00:05:38.240
who puts on her shoes, puts
on her coat, grabs the leash,

87
00:05:38.560 --> 00:05:41.920
goes to the door of the street
sorry, goes the sofa and lies down.

88
00:05:43.120 --> 00:05:46.439
You know, you have to be
a lying bitch to make an anime.

89
00:05:46.519 --> 00:05:47.279
That' s not done. Those
like when you hook up a dick

90
00:05:47.319 --> 00:05:49.040
and it' s got a tail. Those things aren' t done.

91
00:05:50.959 --> 00:06:00.600
But I want to ask you one
thing as a vet, and it'

92
00:06:00.680 --> 00:06:01.839
s to leave and ask us stupid
questions. You know, I understand that

93
00:06:01.920 --> 00:06:05.519
if you have a professional friend,
ask questions about respect, especially if computer

94
00:06:05.519 --> 00:06:10.399
science complains a lot about questions.
I have a professional friend, the Civil

95
00:06:10.480 --> 00:06:14.800
Guard. I recognize that I ask
you a lot of questions, guy where

96
00:06:14.800 --> 00:06:17.879
are you going to put control tonight
from how many grams is jail? It

97
00:06:17.920 --> 00:06:21.199
' s true that you don'
t pay in the putis things like that,

98
00:06:21.879 --> 00:06:30.360
no, but the vets. Thanks
to veterinarians you ask us a lot

99
00:06:30.399 --> 00:06:34.879
of absurd questions and I' ve
made a list of real questions that I

100
00:06:34.879 --> 00:06:41.839
' ve been asked throughout my life. I tell you, Jorge, Jorge,

101
00:06:42.079 --> 00:06:45.879
because they talk like that when I
get pre- George, listen to

102
00:06:45.920 --> 00:06:46.120
the dots that my bitch has in
her belly. They' re bad,

103
00:06:46.439 --> 00:06:54.360
I can cut them off. They' re nipples, Jorge, animals fart.

104
00:06:54.959 --> 00:06:57.439
I say clearly they fart, but
they don' t always have to

105
00:06:57.480 --> 00:07:00.720
be blamed. Asume, Jorge,
I have one or something that doesn'

106
00:07:00.839 --> 00:07:01.920
t eat me anything. I tried
thinking, I tried cans. I'

107
00:07:01.959 --> 00:07:03.720
ve taken him to eat eggnogs and
I don' t know what. You

108
00:07:03.800 --> 00:07:06.879
recommend that by giving him ten euros
and you want to buy him you know,

109
00:07:09.120 --> 00:07:13.160
Jorge, I could put my freshwater
fish in a saltwater aquarium I don

110
00:07:15.360 --> 00:07:17.519
' t know why you can,
but they would cook their eyes. Effect,

111
00:07:17.759 --> 00:07:26.000
after Jorge, why dogs' hives
smell of feet. Like this,

112
00:07:27.600 --> 00:07:29.759
I don' t know. This
is one of those things you have to

113
00:07:29.839 --> 00:07:35.720
believe. It' s not like
the sperm you' re winged about telling

114
00:07:42.160 --> 00:07:45.120
me and continuing. Jorge, it' s true that if you give chocolate

115
00:07:45.120 --> 00:07:47.000
to dogs they become blind. This
is completely true. But, like people,

116
00:07:47.079 --> 00:07:51.120
it' s not right to give
them joints. And Jorge, it

117
00:07:51.120 --> 00:07:57.199
' s true that drug dogs get
drugs. That' s true. Uh,

118
00:07:57.399 --> 00:08:01.000
and the best- kept secret is
that the agents are all there,

119
00:08:01.000 --> 00:08:07.720
too. But, well, I
finished the race to get on with my

120
00:08:07.800 --> 00:08:11.360
life and I decided to go to
work abroad, to England, and I

121
00:08:11.439 --> 00:08:15.399
say I decided to mark it because
it was my choice. Not like now

122
00:08:15.399 --> 00:08:18.120
that a lot of people are gonna
have to throw' cause they' re

123
00:08:18.120 --> 00:08:20.279
really bad. I ate in the
feeling the poor is true is fatal.

124
00:08:20.399 --> 00:08:24.040
You put work on Google. You
don' t even get the lucky button,

125
00:08:24.360 --> 00:08:28.600
you know. You hit the whole
thing there and it comes out looking

126
00:08:28.600 --> 00:08:33.519
for you, searching and I'
m going to be sent to Salamanca looking.

127
00:08:35.879 --> 00:08:37.879
You don' t get that,
I mean. Maybe he meant downstairs,

128
00:08:37.120 --> 00:08:41.080
maybe he meant it' s going
well. Then he redirects you to

129
00:08:41.120 --> 00:08:45.080
Google Maps and sends the fuck straight
to you. Well. I saw they

130
00:08:45.159 --> 00:08:48.840
needed vets in Yort and I went
there. I didn' t know much

131
00:08:48.919 --> 00:08:52.559
about that town, but the basics
aren' t ham and they have a

132
00:08:52.559 --> 00:08:54.399
duchess. I mean, if I
get paid in black, they' ll

133
00:08:54.399 --> 00:08:58.360
embroider it. I say there to
the office receives me boss hallow Hor Yo

134
00:08:58.720 --> 00:09:01.919
and Gover we the King hor YouTube
i e at last things hout youdo and

135
00:09:01.960 --> 00:09:07.120
you didn' t just ask me
this already because they are very polite.

136
00:09:07.200 --> 00:09:09.960
The English are like very correct,
a roll in reverse of what happens in

137
00:09:09.960 --> 00:09:13.039
Spain. Not that the rock falls
on you, you fall for it,

138
00:09:13.200 --> 00:09:16.360
but you get drunk and you fall
for it. You don' t in

139
00:09:16.440 --> 00:09:18.039
the English fall from fucking mothers to
drunks and say fuck what' s miserable.

140
00:09:18.200 --> 00:09:22.279
You know who educates them. The
truth is that they educate you very

141
00:09:22.440 --> 00:09:24.480
well in the sorry, but that
they are small all sorrys want something,

142
00:09:24.759 --> 00:09:28.840
sorry you want a bad Shorry beer. Here they educate us more at the

143
00:09:28.960 --> 00:09:31.759
Please, you want something and the
mother tells you and how they say it.

144
00:09:31.080 --> 00:09:33.759
You say please and you take it
away not what happens that they maintain

145
00:09:33.840 --> 00:09:37.519
this education until they are older,
we lose it and if you don'

146
00:09:37.639 --> 00:09:41.960
t realize like when we ask for
time on the street, no, I

147
00:09:41.600 --> 00:09:46.879
mean, what ways are those that
come to you a fact, I have

148
00:09:46.879 --> 00:09:50.480
time. No, man, you
don' t know. I have the

149
00:09:50.519 --> 00:09:52.879
dilemma that I say if I tell
him I' m not taking a shit,

150
00:09:54.000 --> 00:09:54.759
I' m gonna freak him out. If I tell you if you

151
00:09:54.840 --> 00:09:58.639
' re going to take my watch
off, I mean, my solution is

152
00:09:58.639 --> 00:10:07.879
that you say it. Hey,
what do you say? That' s

153
00:10:09.000 --> 00:10:13.759
how the Spaniards have no idea what
England is at a geographical level. I

154
00:10:13.759 --> 00:10:16.639
mean, I lived in a city
called Stocon Trent, which probably doesn'

155
00:10:16.759 --> 00:10:18.360
t sound like it. Don'
t worry about the English either, I

156
00:10:18.480 --> 00:10:22.759
mean it' s not serious,
those in Terue, the British no,

157
00:10:22.960 --> 00:10:28.559
but I was this with trend is
famous because yesterday Robbie Williams and the captain

158
00:10:28.639 --> 00:10:31.759
of the Titanic, a certain john
Smith, who I say looks capped that

159
00:10:31.840 --> 00:10:33.639
the same ton of a boat that
makes you a pair of slippers. You

160
00:10:33.639 --> 00:10:37.360
know, I mean, don'
t look at the East guy from Italy,

161
00:10:37.919 --> 00:10:39.399
the Concordia Coast guy. That frame
a jones made me in full swing.

162
00:10:39.440 --> 00:10:41.879
I didn' t fuck with you
on a boat and then the bastard

163
00:10:43.120 --> 00:10:45.679
got his ass kicked out, because
I remember he was in this thing with

164
00:10:46.120 --> 00:10:46.799
a train that, I repeat,
is north and calls me a bird.

165
00:10:46.919 --> 00:10:50.279
My mother picked up the phone.
Jorge told me, you' re okay,

166
00:10:50.360 --> 00:10:52.279
something happened to you. He'
s here. I say thank you

167
00:10:52.360 --> 00:10:54.679
for calling Mom, but it happened. You know it' s so serious

168
00:10:56.320 --> 00:10:58.240
and tell me it says nothing that
they' ve planted bombs in London.

169
00:10:58.600 --> 00:11:03.879
I' m saying you' re
worried about the blast wave, so they

170
00:11:05.000 --> 00:11:07.480
put shrapnel on it or something so
you can see that we have no idea

171
00:11:07.919 --> 00:11:11.559
what England is at the geographic level. Notice as everyone who leaves in England

172
00:11:11.639 --> 00:11:15.240
and no matter where, no matter
what. The north of the south,

173
00:11:15.440 --> 00:11:18.200
the east, the west becomes that
of London. That' s right.

174
00:11:18.240 --> 00:11:20.759
I' ve been London' s
colleague. For my mother, he was

175
00:11:20.960 --> 00:11:24.159
the son of London. You had
to see your proud friends by now.

176
00:11:24.200 --> 00:11:26.519
There is, then, a son
who is in London and I am not

177
00:11:26.519 --> 00:11:30.720
a mother. I saw well this
with trend that is near Manchester. So

178
00:11:30.759 --> 00:11:33.519
that' s why I have a
son who' s doing a Manchester in

179
00:11:33.519 --> 00:11:43.919
London. Sometimes, and before I
say goodbye to you, I want to

180
00:11:43.960 --> 00:11:48.320
make a reminder to an English woman
who already left us, but well,

181
00:11:48.759 --> 00:11:52.399
it was pretty important. Not Margaret
Ttcher, and I want to remember her

182
00:11:52.519 --> 00:11:56.879
to reassure all those monarchists here in
the room who watch TV because I guess

183
00:11:58.480 --> 00:12:01.600
they' re worried, because they
think that if this woman being the iron

184
00:12:01.639 --> 00:12:03.639
lady, then in the end it
didn' t go so well. No

185
00:12:03.679 --> 00:12:07.039
and of course, we king with
so much operation, so much fall,

186
00:12:07.240 --> 00:12:09.279
well, but I want to reassure
you because he will not be of iron.

187
00:12:09.639 --> 00:12:13.039
But fuck our titanium kings, that
holds much longer. So, thank

188
00:12:13.159 --> 00:12:20.440
you so much for your attention.
Thank you very much.