Asaari Bibang - Standup show

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Comedy Central Podcast. Thanks to Ja. What to do is go, come

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on, how are you? Well, I' ve already been introduced,

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but I' m going to repeat
it, because this always requires it to

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be repeated. My name is Asari
Vivan to Sari live and I don'

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t know what happens to people who
always think that African names have meaning as

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well as super mystic. You know, like, I' ll roast the

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one that awaits the ancestors under a
thousand- year- old bao bab.

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Who cracks you. I' m
little together and I swear. I always

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have to spell it. Barcelona,
Italy, Barcelona, alicante. I don

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' t play the trivia, that
is, I really imagine the past at

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poor Arno Swatzenegger' s school.
You know was black esch wey is that

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last name has a double v.
In the last name there are no cities

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to spell that surname for God'
s sake or that man. They fucked

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him so much at school that he
came back from the future to kill everyone.

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Four times four. I' ve
received poofs with the name so badly

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written that I could think that my
husband had a lover register in my house

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because I uh, dude, I
don' t know there was a good

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guy around here that I' ve
heard it before. I was super jealous,

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but from you, I' d
be super jealous of you, but

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uh, but not jealous of it. It' s only if it gives

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me reason and no reason. I' m also a bad fool. No

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reason. I also tell my boy
what you' re looking at. I

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don' t say look too much
at nothing. Not like that, since

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you will. I' m jealous
for now and jealousy and nothing, because

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really, between work and home children. My husband tells me there' s

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someone else and I tell him perfect
when he starts. When it starts,

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I' m exhausted. There are
really nights when I doubt a tra making

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love and playing dead. Dude,
I' m not really being tricked or

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fucked up. They' re cheating
on you. You' re fooled,

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because no one tells you that there' s a time in your life when

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putting romantics is making them out of
socks. Nobody really tells you this.

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Marta' s name is my best
friend. Marta is white, but if

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you think she' s black because
once she wore gray braids we' ll

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talk about that other day, Marta' s name is her grandmother, her

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name was Marta her mother, her
name was Marta her daughter, her name

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is Stevariz. No one understands.
No one understands it because it' s

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called Stevalit the girl. The point
is, he kills. Mira Yo said,

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before I have Stevanit, I'
m going to Kenya. Yeah,

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Kenya' s gone, Marta.
He came back from Kenya saying he wanted

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to go back to Africa and set
up a school. I mean Marta,

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a school. No, no,
you' re done winning, you'

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re going to end it in Kenya, which is also in another language.

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Seriously. Bata, seriously. Mata, don' t give me that.

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Please, she can' t keep
secrets, Marta, she can' t

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keep secrets. You, Marta,
tell her a secret and keep it on

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the desk, in a folder she
puts on believe. Indeed. Yes,

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but it does a good thing.
Marta introduced me to the fact that she

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' s my husband today. We
met at the library, a nightclub is

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here near his house and there we
were. Marta and I are getting close

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to the kid, introducing him to
me and telling me how I say nothing

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here in a whore and back,
one is already an age, it is

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no longer unsettled. You know he
doesn' t use a wave god around

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here on a whore and back,
he presents it to me. I loved

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the gorgeous kid. One year he
had me all without throwing out a Kiki

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miser that I said and this Friki
colleague. A year the good guy can

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do it to you. One year
he had me look at some pants and

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he' d run me friend.
One year I had to tell my friend

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Mata I say thunderbolt, but there' s what I did to ask for

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your hand, I say what they
want my hand for and if they already

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have two and it' s not
used for anything, until one day I

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told myself I' m going to
take you to the mountain and you'

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ll see the stars, I say
and fuck ay fo and then I didn

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' t really mean to look at
the fucking oterations. You can believe the

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big bear, he wears the little
one. He tells me you see the

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car I say yes, parked there, we go and then we fall for

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love. I introduced him to my
parents because I' m like this,

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because I tell myself well afterwards so
we' re going to cheat and we

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' re here. If we went
on our honeymoon to New York, I

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don' t know if you'
ve been, uh, because it has

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a particularity of this, from New
York, not to the United States.

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Not that you say America, because
they call it that if from New York

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to Los Angeles, there, if
you can just call it. We'

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re going to fuck up, for
example, and from New York to Beverly

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His God. What luxury, what
cars, what casmadre mine, what do

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you do to people, how beautiful, what shops? That' s where

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you realize you' re a bitch. Poor slut, poor thing, I

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mean, you see the labels on
the clothes and you think the prices are

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real barcodes, so you don'
t have to scan twice to believe what

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it says and you see that I
before going into the store and I already

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told my husband love this store is
expensive, it tells me how you know

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I say because there' s no
easy music, well no fucking. Caso

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made me and drinking and we went
to Vegas. If you have photophobia,

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don' t go. They have
posters of these bright ones everywhere they put

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us in a posters these bright ones. Even inside the room I put huge

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well com, changed color and everything
I put in front of, took off

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my clothes and felt like a stripper
you know wonderful. Wonderful, for I

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and my young man came the vega, I come up and eat a mushroom.

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Hey and you don' t know
what it' s like to get

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out of that hotel with that balloon
and see the infe tower is all freedom

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and the ejito pyramid on the same
street. How' s this going to

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go up, you know, but
it' s not like the vegas is

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being horter. Of course, the
problem is that then it gives you the

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downfall and it' s a brown
that art in white being black by a

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yellow. I don' t recommend
it, I don' t recommend it,

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and fuck the move is that you
get it there in America and this

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rock has a problem until it already
has problems. Now Hollywood, read for

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painting it all black. They say
we fix the racial problem we have in

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the country and said Steve Steven Spielberg
would ask me all about money. And

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now Hollywood has come up with seven
o' clock waxes, secret agent being

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woman and black. How that'
s gonna be secret. So hung up

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they want Michael b Jordan, a
black actor, now to play Superman.

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Who does Superman and people so super- involved how he' s going to

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play Supermann, black actor. How
and there were a lot of comments on

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the Internet, but one that I
loved said Michael Bey Jordan can' t

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be Superman, because Superman is from
the planet Clipton and in Cripton there are

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no blacks. What a bitch.
Disgrace, how can you write that comment.

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The same thing happened with the little
mermaid. I don' t know

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if you saw the controversy. The
little mermaid isn' t that the sireni

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can' t be black, because
it destroys the memories of my childhood I

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mean, not black, but half
your mana, half your bass all,

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ohk no hello wave and with hermion
the same also black. I say a

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little something. Hey, I understand
the intent you have in Hollywood, but

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I don' t really see it. So now they' re coming to

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take all the superheroes and turn them
into blacks, so I' m worried

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about what they' re gonna do
when they get to Black Pantter. An

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experience of the United States is really
going up very well about the honeymoon and

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we didn' t come back and
already, we did tell them come,

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because since we are opposed, we
put ourselves on. We arrived in Spain

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and I got pregnant and I tried. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Twenty

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- five kilos I took eh tes
of gestation, five of fluid retention and

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the rest of maffinche eggs with charizo. I got up my ass, Friends,

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up my ass? Did I put
myself on? Up to the ass?

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And I don' t know what
happens to the kinzan that you suddenly

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have a son and they start calling
you things like a thousand you know a

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thousand non- mother I' d
fuck, I mean, I think it

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' s super ugly that I have
to think about it. I don'

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t understand young people. The other
day I was coming out of a bowling

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alley, uh, and in a
bowling alley where I talked about Nelson Mandela

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and when I left, I got
a thousand years away and he says sorry.

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I say what you say. They
want Nelson Mandela, I mean what

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I did to label him for,
but since I' m this nice.

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I mean, look. Nelson Mandela
was a South African activist who spent twenty

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- five years in jail just for
being black and came out Black is the

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worst case of reintegration in history.
Okay, he didn' t reinsert,

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but he had a lot of courage. The 27- year- old guy

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unjustly imprisoned and came out with a
message of peace. You watch big brother

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come out for three months of shit, because I' m out of the

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bowling alley. I get home and
I get an instagram message that puts Sari

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Vivan. It has been tagged in
a post to Sari Vivan and Nelson Mandela

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I said thank you. Chickens You' re after