June 6, 2024

Quique Matilla - Incomunicados

Quique Matilla - Incomunicados
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Comedy Central Podcastja how the country is. Hey, you' ve seen Telecinco

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lately, I mean, they'
re looking for the bottom and they can

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' t find it. I mean, they' ve already lowered the bar

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so much that at two o'
clock in the morning the tarot starts and

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says that look now improvement would be
better even with the program this of flame

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and wins. You know we always
laugh at the presenter East who' s

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had his blood exchanged for coffee,
he' s there. Welcome, we

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have to abdinate today the hidden word
we have hidden. It' s a

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city It was a clue. I
can' t say well, it'

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s better off Come on. It' s a city that starts with that

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and ends up in Alamanca to see
if we have any brave to see we

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have a call like this. No
thanks for calling friend cough and drunk sleepwalker,

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because at this time we laugh at
these contests and we do wrong because

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they are giving money. You don' t see he' s got a

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bigger plate now. He' s
got music. You have to be a

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musician and end up there, because
being a musician is not like being a

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comedian. Being a musician requires preparation. Uh, and they' ve been

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preparing, I mean, years studying
at a conservatory. They' ve learned

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to play several instruments. They can
write, they can read in staves,

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which is very difficult. It'
s like understanding Sakira when she sings is

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the most complicated and there' s
the guy playing down there that if they

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trade her poa for a knife she
thanks you, no, but to me

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she' s wearing a tie with
a swimmer of sobs band The Blues Brothers.

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It' s incognito. If you
work there, the last thing you

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want is to be recognized and there' s the guy playing there being muzzles

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for much less that this killed himself
kurk Vein. And it improves what is

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in Telecinco, because you have seen
men women and vice versa, you have

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seen what cleavages and they and them. Eh, but let' s not

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blame him all the Tele Five that
the country is as it is, because

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no, that is, what we
can expect from Spain, a country in

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which I contract more durations the test, uh, that is, a country

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in which miners are forced to lock
up in the mines, lock up in

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the mines, that is, how
the serious heifer has come down. No,

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we don' t have to start, we have to start to put

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it a little bit of value that
here, in Spain, we are not

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to be brave. No, not
here when we have a problem with someone,

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you don' t solve it face- to- face. No.

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No, and if you look face
to face with much you tell him um

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because they' re holding me that
if you' re not alone when I

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catch you, I' m here
more caught tell me now. In other

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words, if the avengers had been
recorded in Spain, the resentful would have

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been entitled. That' s not
where we went. We love it and

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from behind, just from behind.
I am sure that when the rulers of

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Spain meet with the rulers of the
United Kingdom to discuss the issue of Gibraltar,

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in the end we will be afraid
of what you wanted from Gibraltar.

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Not sure, we didn' t
say anything to us, but you texted

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us on the phone. No,
they' re the way it goes.

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Hey, now it' s been
the boy. He picks up my phone

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at once and he doesn' t. Ah well, nothing we leave,

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nothing, because until then English,
until then and as they are leaving and

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Gibraltar says to the Spanish, what
if hais has not seemed hi Gibraltar Spanish,

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not that it will take to pass
bus the same noise or something.

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Ah, well, we' re
leaving again, so long English, see

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you later, when you' re
going eh English? Bastard, I greet

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the champion, because we' re
going behind. We have to go face

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to face with anyone, we beat
anyone in Europe or the Germans too,

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but they are the best in Europe. Don' t believe it. It

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' s not like I don'
t get German in Germany. In Germany

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we charge twice as much as in
Spain. What do you care if you

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don' t know, you earn
them what you earn and you go on

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vacation to Mallorca, or don'
t fuck with me. In Spain we

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won half, but we' re
going on vacation to Cancun with two balls.

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Eh ah, it' s not
like in Germany we get beer this

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big and you don' t miss
the lid. In Germany we can go

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on the highways to 200 and in
Spain already, but they take away points.

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It hasn' t been taken to
my grandmother today, but poor.

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My grandmother has never left Valladolid.
He' s got a speed record in

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ten provinces. That' s in
the hall of a in de Albacete,

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they put her in, they call
her at the residence. Yeah. But

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in Germany we are governed by a
great statesman, Angela Merkel, and in

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Spain also not by Angela Merkel.
Not seriously, but to stand up is

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one thing and criticize so freely another
that here we are very poquitic criticism,

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that is, look at it gray, that only come to Spain to party

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and to get drunk if you went
you spill mus to Ireland to improve the

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English, eh that is. It
has never been the case that a Spanish

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who goes from the mons to Ireland
comes speaking English. You' re just

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coming with a Spanish pawn. We
didn' t get together with the Irish

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to teach them tacos and then an
Irishman came on vacation to Madrid. You

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don' t know where the Prado
Museum is going, but you know perfectly

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well you have to shit in the
whore, eh no, but you just

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come to let them keep coming.
If we' re ruining your English,

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that is, to improve your English, you' re going to take an

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Erasmus to come back to get it, criticize for criticizing. It' s

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not like Latinos just come to Spain
to pound and pound and pound. If

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you went to Cuba to see cathedrals
under Juanillo' s eye, he went

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from the mons to Ireland. It
came badly, that is, I drank

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before, because then I drank more
hurt wine with the women because the Irish

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rejected them and they didn' t
talk about it reject you and you'

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re like an Irish woman rejecting you. There' s nothing harder, and

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the guy' s coming in on
his ass now and he' s got

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some kind of dyslexic drunkenness. It' s five o' clock in the

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morning, when all the girls in
the club have turned him down, he

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steps down half the track and starts
putting that country in, but all the

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whores are women and he' s
going to see Juanillo to see if what

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you' ve wanted to say is
that all the women are whores. I

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find that very offensive. And if
what you mean is that all prostitutes are

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women, some surprise you take,
but you' ve already paid for it

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and you eat it. Eh jabla
would be We have to forgive Juanillo everything,

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because he has shown me that being
simple, we go further. He

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' s a simple guy, but
he always beats you. On the first

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day he went he touched me next
to him and the waiter comes with the

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prawns. He leaves a little plate
next door with the boss' s envelope,

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and this is about. It'
s a wipe for the prawns.

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They' re not wet, the
prawns aren' t. It' s

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not for the hands, they don' t have hands. The prawns don

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' t see gentleman, it'
s for you to clean up after eating

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the prawns. Oh, you don' t want me to get smudged You

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' re serious. Being simple,
you go further. Check. We guys

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have always been so simple that we' ve been messing around for years and

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we haven' t solved it.
I mean, we' ve already been

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overtaken by everyone in every country,
I mean, the Italians are a better

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league because they have more lip,
the French are a better league because they

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' re more romantic. Africans are
better off, because for obvious reasons we

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have spent years, years already choosing
the wrong time of the night to flirt

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then at five o' clock in
the morning. I give myself up and

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there you no longer know how you
smell at five in the morning and no

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longer on the outside inside you know
how your soul smells eh, because at

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five in the morning your stomach is
fighting with everything they' ve brought that

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night and a normal night' s
party. I' m sure what'

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s come in, or it'
s five pinchitos, seven beers, two

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shots of herbs, a little burbony, six without thonic, as it is.

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And it' s very responsible so
that all that doesn' t fall

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empty you' ve eaten a spicy
one you think it has going out so

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that someone alive is near without getting
musty and plant you advance the brave girl

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and you start going blah blah?
Will you look With the first bo the

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girl already speaks Turkish and you still
brave blah? Bla? Bla? Bla?

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Bla? With the second po the
girl already wears a camped suit and

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starts spinning and you continue brave blah? Bla? Bla? Bla? Bla?

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Look there at the girl with the
glasses tarnished, tears, falling,

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please, someone mash me, but
quickly, not like this one who is

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doing it little by little and follow
the blah blah? Bla? Bla?

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Bla? So much for singing to
the fountain that in the end, then

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blah blah? Bla? Blau?
You have to distract your attention in order

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to solve this problem. M j
jaaa. Na No. No, no,

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no, no, nothing, the
ah no ah no. He was

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a going taste the same now as
before. Hahahahahahaha, it' s more

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I' ve had someone going that
I' ve done better the second.

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I' m saying yes now Look, it' s not going to gurgle

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It' s going to get him
out for spice. How nice, what

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a desire to eat now, uh
serious, being simple is good. I

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mean, being simple is good.
If the simpler we are, the better.

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Our relationship with you. In other
words, there is no healthier relationship

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between the male and the female sex
than that of a mother with her child.

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There you have the level of demand. Here' s your boy.

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Today, sleep well eats and shit
ask me. That' s a couple

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relationship and I' m your ideal
man, but then you start demanding things

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and you get there to demand that
you go the same thing one day.

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You walk with your girl down the
street, meet with a friend, start

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between the two of you talking and
you are, first of all as a

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spectator. But then it' s
how your girl starts telling her friend bad

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things about you being you. So, then, when I' m not

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going to tell you, in fact, start saying some things that you and

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you say, but I' m
not going to see if I' m

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not, I' m imagining it. I mean, you see in a

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window and he says pussy, because
I see myself, he' s got

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to see me now, too.
This one' s good, this one,

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he' s out there all day
partying with Juanillo, all day standing

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there with him. Hey, and
the toilet cup doesn' t know it

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' s got a lid, it
never goes down. And at work,

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as you see he' s late
he always sleeps well, well, good,

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good, well, well, let
him say bad things. Tell your

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friend here, tell her how,
uh, how. I mean, I

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00:11:03.559 --> 00:11:05.440
ask for a family pizza to come
home and the empano look like uh,

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00:11:05.639 --> 00:11:09.639
like cao, tell her like shit, uh, well, the lid isn

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00:11:09.639 --> 00:11:11.759
' t that you don' t
put it down that doesn' t close.

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00:11:11.200 --> 00:11:22.840
Hey. Yeah, imagine after a
pasty tread, then concrete beams and

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tell him how I sleep? How
do I sleep? Hey, sleep?

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00:11:26.879 --> 00:11:28.679
Well, look, this week I
fell asleep three times while we were making

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00:11:28.679 --> 00:11:31.440
love. Three, uh, three, two have been two, so,

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look, I fell asleep twice while
we were making love. And from what

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you see once while I was really
jerking off, uh the simple, well,

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I mean, we' re gonna
enjoy the relationship more, so we

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' re simple and it' s
really great, look, we have to

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end that sex war that exists because, besides, it' s clear that

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you won it years ago and this
looks very clear in the couple' s

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reaction through the mobile phone, because
look, you can be calling your girl

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thirty- five times on the phone
without me answering that thirty- six is

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going to take you off with your
naturality. Yeah, yeah, no,

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yeah, I haven' t been
calling you since Tuesday and you hear Thursday,

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or you don' t know that
I had it in my purse in

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Silence and then of course I called
you the Pintalabians true, but you don

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' t have the balls to reveal
yourself, because you know what the order

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is, you know what the chain
of command is. Now, now,

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00:12:35.639 --> 00:12:43.159
do not want God, do not
God that someday you are the One who

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does not answer her. Don'
t want God, you who carry the

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phone to find out when he already
calls you that you have the polydore so

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strong that dogs bark in Palencia.
If your name is calling you, are

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there already globbitor of colors, on
the way to the sky that calls you

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already looks so strong that it can
throw you to the ground? I mean,

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God forbid, someday you take your
phone out of your pocket, say

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a loss of yours, no or
wait, wait, you' ve been

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gone two minutes. I' m
returning the call that I' m sure

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00:13:13.480 --> 00:13:16.360
you understand, that' s you
waiting with pressure and what you' re

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00:13:16.399 --> 00:13:20.879
in is but why we haven'
t picked up the phone. But,

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00:13:20.360 --> 00:13:24.000
honey, it was two minutes ago, and I' m doing it by

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00:13:24.000 --> 00:13:26.480
watching the call. And what are
you doing those two minutes so important that

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you couldn' t answer, because
look is actually spinning around with the car.

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It is that I went with Juanillo
in the car and we have turned

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ah Juanillo, we are always Juanillo, all Juaniño here, juani Yo there,

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00:13:54.639 --> 00:13:56.240
juan and I this, Juan and
the other. What happens if Juanillo

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00:13:56.320 --> 00:13:58.879
took you out of a window you
go behind, man he' s out

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asking for the car and or he
doesn' t give ah. Don'

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00:14:09.120 --> 00:14:11.159
t look for the complicated, don' t look for the ideal. The

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00:14:11.200 --> 00:14:15.960
ideal is not what you seek,
because the perfect man exists, but the

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woman willing to change him also enjoy
the simple. That we' re simple

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00:14:20.480 --> 00:14:24.399
is very good, because that facilitates
the couple' s reaction. So,

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you' ll always know how we
are, it' s how these people

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in the state of Facebook are like
very clear that it puts you watching the

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rain fall through the window on a
fall afternoon, open it and jump you

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see it, you perceive it.
So, seriously, being simple is very

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good. If you ever ask us
what' s wrong with you and we

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00:14:43.759 --> 00:14:48.399
answer, nothing happens to me.
It' s just that nothing' s

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wrong with me, I just feel
weird about you, because you' ve

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lost my team, but nothing'
s wrong with me. I mean,

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we' re ever sitting with you
on the couch and you see how we

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get up and you ask us where
you' re going and we answer you.

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It' s just that net being
alone, I just need to be

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alone. Nothing else, I mean, I' m not replanting my relationship

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with you, let alone my sexuality, that' s to say, I

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want to fart at ease and if
you ever ask us, if you ever

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ask us where you want, to
go on vacation and we answer you.

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Wherever you want the sky, because
we don' t give a damn.

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We just want to rest a few
days with you, because we love you

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so much and because in the end
let' s say what we say,

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we' re going wherever you want
the sky? If as a couple we

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are simple and we complicate the lives
of singles. I' m sure you

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' ve ever had a single friend
of these who, as the story tells

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you, even make you want to
break his mouth this one that' s

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a day out of partying with you
and hooks up with a very pretty girl,

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what' s called a pibon and
goes home, home with the tibon

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do things that are done with a
pivot in your house. And the next

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day he comes and says good.
You think I' m going with the

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girl to this house yesterday. We
had sex and he wanted to stay to

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sleep. You may have seen without
shame, but let' s see if

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you' re ready. I have
a heart if the girl, after getting

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laid, wants to stay to sleep, because she stays to sleep now in

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the morning. He' s taking
someone else. Uh, because sex for

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00:16:30.879 --> 00:16:33.480
a bachelor has to be like water
for a dromedary. I mean, drink

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00:16:33.600 --> 00:16:37.399
everything you can drink, you never
know when you' re gonna be able

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00:16:37.480 --> 00:16:42.039
to drink again. I mean,
I' ve had single times. Look

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00:16:48.000 --> 00:16:52.840
at a thirst, a thirst,
a thirst, and I remember nights at

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00:16:53.080 --> 00:17:00.000
home drinking only that my drinking arm
hurt already. The last girl I'

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00:17:00.159 --> 00:17:03.720
d ever had a drink with goes
with nostalgia. I say God how we

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00:17:03.799 --> 00:17:06.720
drank that night. We drank from
the front, drank from the back.

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He drank at night. Not anymore
if you' ve ever had a friend

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00:17:19.599 --> 00:17:22.799
of these bachelors, if you'
ve been willing to give it back to

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him, he can be returned,
because there' s nothing far away gives

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a bachelor more than one day a
friend of his. I invited him to

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dinner with his girl, I mean, you go to dinner with another couple

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00:17:33.720 --> 00:17:36.920
you say let' s go to
this thing that you do out of compassion

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00:17:36.960 --> 00:17:40.240
or to fuck with my life,
because if it' s a couple that

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takes little time, well because they' re still getting to know each other,

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they tell jokes, thank you,
they' re nice, they'

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re still in that farce truth.
But if it' s a couple that

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takes time, you' re not
going to have dinner with them, you

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00:17:48.799 --> 00:17:52.720
' re going to see how they
argue. And that starts with French hints,

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00:17:52.759 --> 00:17:56.160
with second ones. But that already
derives in insults and insult from one,

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00:17:56.200 --> 00:17:59.119
insult from the other, insult from
one insult from the other, that

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00:17:59.119 --> 00:18:00.599
is, they will insult that you
are already like the one who is watching

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00:18:00.640 --> 00:18:03.640
a tennis game without laying the rules, saying for this that ends up in

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00:18:03.640 --> 00:18:07.640
a pitbull fight and you already take
refuge in your pasta dish, because I,

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00:18:07.400 --> 00:18:10.680
like here crouched and see if when
my girlfriend meets a friend, I

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00:18:10.759 --> 00:18:15.400
disappear eh and not suddenly they get
you told by the bride to your friend

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00:18:15.400 --> 00:18:21.400
and to you how it seems to
you what your friend does. I was

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00:18:21.440 --> 00:18:25.880
happy with my macaroni of what you
want me to say, whatever you say.

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You' re sold. I mean, if you' re in favor

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00:18:27.119 --> 00:18:30.559
of your friend, your friend'
s gonna be mad,' cause he

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00:18:30.559 --> 00:18:32.759
broke the peer pact. And if
you favor your friend, she' s

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gonna be mad at you and she' s not gonna let him go out

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00:18:34.880 --> 00:18:38.279
with you anymore, because you have
to be conciliatory. Says man, is

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that your uncle sometimes passes and you
understand him has his stuff, so yeah,

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hey don' t lower the lid. To good. If it doesn

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' t close, it doesn'
t close. It' s true that

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very much to leave. Over there. But hey boy, he' s

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00:18:53.960 --> 00:18:56.799
good at the truth out there.
It' s true that last week he

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00:18:56.839 --> 00:19:00.839
had a hard time with your sister, it' s true. But since

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00:19:00.920 --> 00:19:04.400
he eats eh and shits eh,
he' s not a show anymore.

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Look here the only thing we'
re gonna do in this situation. If

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you get one of these drunks,
tea you go for peteneras, you get

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00:19:11.799 --> 00:19:14.799
drunk. You' re happy.
However, eye after drunkenness, because all

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comedians will be very much the subject
of alcohol, of drinking, of getting

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00:19:17.240 --> 00:19:22.759
drunk. We have a good understanding. But we' ve missed a part,

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00:19:22.039 --> 00:19:29.279
that is, the hangover, what
it' s about, I mean,

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00:19:29.400 --> 00:19:32.119
there' s inculcated stuff out there
that they say is about dehydration with

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00:19:32.119 --> 00:19:33.319
what I' ve been drinking.
I mean, you know the liquid that

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00:19:33.359 --> 00:19:37.640
I' ve ingested I' ve
ingested how it' s going to be

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00:19:37.759 --> 00:19:40.039
by dehydration, I mean, I
mean, how can it be that you

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00:19:40.079 --> 00:19:44.319
' re at five o' clock
in the morning you want to be God,

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00:19:44.880 --> 00:19:48.119
I mean, you' re dancing
all the songs, you' re

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00:19:48.400 --> 00:19:49.839
singing all the songs, you'
re singing up to songs that you know,

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00:19:49.960 --> 00:19:49.960
you' re even putting the shit
in everything that moves around the bar.

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00:19:51.000 --> 00:19:52.559
You' ve put your nose twice
to a friend of yours already,

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00:19:52.720 --> 00:19:57.440
and the second time, because you' ve even got your back on the

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00:19:57.519 --> 00:20:00.039
street, running with other drunkards,
someone who' s drunk faster on the

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00:20:00.039 --> 00:20:03.480
planet. I mean, how can
it be that you lie on the bed,

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00:20:03.680 --> 00:20:08.000
uh being God and you get up
as raped by satan already, that

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00:20:08.079 --> 00:20:11.559
is, you get up as if
you had run the Tour de France without

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00:20:11.599 --> 00:20:15.200
Sillin with a crown of thorns saying
but what happened here those seven hours that

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00:20:15.200 --> 00:20:18.839
was in bed. But if you' re that seven hours I' ve

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00:20:19.119 --> 00:20:22.799
been good, I' ve been
a saint, snow drunk, I haven

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00:20:22.799 --> 00:20:22.799
' t smoked, I don'
t do drugs. I didn' t

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00:20:22.799 --> 00:20:26.920
pray when I got in. I
mean, this is because I think it

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00:20:26.920 --> 00:20:33.279
' s due to a few little
beings called the hangover dwarfs. The senaditos

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00:20:33.279 --> 00:20:37.839
of the hangover are like the smurfs, but they smell of tobacco and they

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00:20:37.839 --> 00:20:41.359
will suck that when you get into
bed, they come attracted to the smell

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00:20:41.039 --> 00:20:44.480
of the claw and start to provoke
the effects of the hangover, of what

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00:20:44.519 --> 00:20:47.119
is a bad drunkenness, since one
goes towards your head and start to find

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00:20:47.119 --> 00:20:51.079
a very good hammer that they have, not to wake you up, but

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00:20:51.160 --> 00:20:53.160
so that the next day you are
doubting if your brain is an l and

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00:20:53.279 --> 00:20:56.400
your skull a m e. Others
go to your body and ask you to

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00:20:56.440 --> 00:21:00.799
kick and push so that it hurts
a little bit like pa you think doubting

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00:21:00.839 --> 00:21:04.119
if you have slept on the mattress
or on the thermomix. Others sneak into

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00:21:04.160 --> 00:21:08.240
your pants, grab your mobile phone, and start calling an ex- girlfriend

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00:21:08.279 --> 00:21:18.000
of yours like impersonating you as they
do with fear. They make him afraid

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00:21:18.960 --> 00:21:22.480
like with drunk mode like there or
being wrong, I still want to.

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00:21:25.519 --> 00:21:27.319
Then there are others that go to
your neck and start pinching you to get

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00:21:27.319 --> 00:21:32.279
a purple out here and your girlfriend
thinks how I do with another. Hey.

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00:21:32.680 --> 00:21:34.240
Well, me. The hangovers have
gotten me to shit in my pants

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00:21:34.279 --> 00:21:40.880
and my mother didn' t believe
me to be little dwarf dinners, children

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00:21:40.920 --> 00:21:44.119
of your tea, ygo hascarao.
Mom believed me for years about the wise

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00:21:44.119 --> 00:22:07.519
men who put her in one night. Please, thank you very much.