Pere Aznar - standup show

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Comedy Central Podcast. Thank you?
Thank you? Thank you? Thank you?

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What' s that? What?
What? What? What? What?

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What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

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What? What? What? What? We' re going to die,

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are we going to die? Let' s go samorir? Now we'

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re going to die, we'
re going to samos and come as if

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there' s no pussy tomorrow.
I did? What? What? What?

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What? What? What? What? How are you going to die?

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We' re going to die,
are we going to die? Come

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on, what are you doing now, what' s the first lesson?

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Don' t ever let yourself be
manipulated by an asshole. Let' s

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learn. We' re gonna learn
a lot tonight, folks. In the

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end this thing about one doing something
and the rest following him and rationally looks

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a lot. Lately, for example, I' m sure you' ve

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seen him in the last few months. Not because things are happening. This

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is about people who are going to
buy rare items compulsively from supermarkets this non

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- people buying touring oil only in
huge amounts for fear of war, that

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of course, better against fear than
sunflower oil. Right, last night,

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my daughter had a field shift at
3: 00 in the morning. Ah

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gets up oh what happens honey,
oh that there is a monster that wants

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to eat me calmed her down with
oil of fira alone and fixing clear took

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away the fear, obviously, and
now surely that monster won' t want

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to eat that shit for the afe
and I tell you, my daughter is

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to eat it. Well, you
know what I mean, I don'

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t mean what you' re doing
in your house with 30 liters of sunflower

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oil. Because remember that there was
also a crazy move to buy tons of

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toilet paper, which since 1 847
is what we used to wipe our asses.

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I don' t know if you
knew that fact, but not seriously

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what you' re doing with thirty
hygenic aper cells, so man, inside

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how crazy he is with time and
Kiwis gives him a way out, no,

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but sunflower oil. It' s
not like I' m packing up.

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If there is a possible and more
than likely nuclear holocaute. You say,

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but you want to put on a
bunker or a churrería asshole. What

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are you doing? What are you
doing, that you doubt this thing about

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buying things as very concrete, because
they are also very concrete things, not

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concrete things, buying them as if
there was no tomorrow. It' s

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a sociological, psychological phenomenon called the
gregarious compulsive feeling. We were going to

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learn a lot tonight. It'
s about human beings doing things by imitating

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what we see in others, without
asking why. And I want to believe

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that all this is always started by
someone joking, that is, there is

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someone at home who is seeing,
for example, the Living Red. If

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you don' t know, the
Vivo Red is a more current program that

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they do in the mornings on a
television and is taken today with a lot

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of intensity. Maybe. If you
want and there' s a gentleman named

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Ferreras who asks you for a headline
every twenty seconds or so with the background

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music of the avengers all the fuck
that happens to me and I go there

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he tells me to give me a
headline and I say a headline. I

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' m not going to give you
a shit, because you' re generating

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me with this music aggressiveness, because
I think there' s someone who'

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s in his house seeing that in
the bright red something kind is twisting.

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Inflation has gone up zero two,
a putin has mounted a horse and I

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see a disturbance by the force of
the joker and he goes to a supermarket

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and he says you will see the
mess and then he gets there picks a

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random thing and fills his car with
that thing randomly and then goes to the

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tail. And then he' s
in line with his car and the lady

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who' s next door suddenly looks
at him and says uy paco who takes

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the car full of colonies of Bustamante
eye and the lady says fuck, because

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I' m going to take ten
boats also in case that goes in,

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in fact, waterfall and it'
s the first and only time that Bustamante

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has managed to be bestsellers in his
fucking life. You don' t understand

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no pregary compulsive feeling. I also
tell you it is healthier to cook with

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the colony of Bustamante and with sunflower
oil. Hey. What I do,

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which is that I' m watching
a lot of audiovisual content in Russian just

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in case you basically juport in Russian. Hey, we freaked out that I

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saw him before, too, but
he used to take out my cuckoo and

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now he took out a notebook.
I take notes. It' s different.

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It' s the other way.
It' s passive. It'

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s passive. It' s thanks
against all odds, because for what I

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see in the videos I thought it
was something else, but it' s

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not passive. It' s thanks. She' s active. Thank you

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very much, I guess, I
don' t know, it' s

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all going very fast. It'
s going so fast. It' s

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hard for me, it' s
hard for me to think about the pandemic.

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You remember the pandemic, that is, the pandemic. Nobody remembers the

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pandemic. We hear it happened,
it was serious, but no one remembers

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the pandemic anymore. It' s
how baby I told her. You know,

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with a small difference, it'
s that the pandemic killed millions of

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people, and I didn' t
tell almost anyone. I also say that

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I believe that in these difficult times, because we are living in difficult times,

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we recognize it. You' re
not seeing ferrets. Not in these

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difficult times, we must all contribute
and do a little bit with each daily

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gesture, as a small thing to
make the world a better place. I

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mean, I' m telling you
if you want to do it, I

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think it' s super cool.
I say what I do. I'

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ve been, like, two weeks
since when I park the car, just

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parking without even getting out of the
car. If another car puts me in

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parallel and makes me the gesture of
leaving, I leave, makes me easy.

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They' re such an asshole,
but they' re a very good

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person, and then I go out
there. Lord gives him the joy of

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his life, because that gives a
lot of joy when you find a thebes

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hears, for see if I leave
and I spend another half hour wandering around,

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waiting for another asshole like me to
do the same. This is a

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little gesture. Then we can also
fight for a little bigger causes. For

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example, we must fight for important
things, for example equality, equality between

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men and women, equality between the
rafas, but above all for equality that

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is not talked about. But I
think it' s very important that we

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fight around. We have to fight
for equality between yawning and fart. There

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' s a lot of yawn.
We live in a patriarchal yawning society.

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Don' t look at me like
that. The yawn is allowed everything and

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let' s say it clearly.
We' ve gotten used to it.

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But yawning is the most fucking disgusting
thing you can do with the body is

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open up to everything that gives The
Hole. Bigger than we have there is

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no one bigger than the mouth,
it is to open it to everything it

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gives and expel our worst air that
has been going through it for days.

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On the other hand, the fart
that has been mistreated is very unfair.

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Farts aren' t, they'
re not worse, they' re just

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yawns. What' s more,
they' re more discreet. Surely you

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have never seen anyone open his anus
to everything he gives to fart that he

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does not, for the yawn is
an anus with very unpleasant teeth. No,

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and now some will be thinking,
because there is always one who says

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neither bostecism nor pessimism look. You
didn' t understand anything. I do

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not intend to rest until in the
world of work yawning and fart are treated

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the same and if you, in
a meeting, come a yawn, you

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put your hand and nothing happens.
In a meeting, you can do it

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with your hand up your ass and
nothing happens. What' s more,

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I won' t rest and you' re my fight today that I transferred

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you until in a meeting the fart
is contagious too and we go into some

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kind of woo and break the glass
ceiling with our ass. Thanks anyway,

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the important things. That said,
there shouldn' t be an obvious sign

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that sounded in our brain when we' re saying something you' ve been

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able to cancel us for. You
know on the roads, when you drive

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and you get a little out of
the lane there' s a line on

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the ground that sounds ta. Ta
Ta? Ta? Ta? Ta?

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Ta? TA? PPP then just
like you' re not talking and suddenly

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you say for equality. Must we
fight between fart and yawning For Pa,

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Pa, Pa, Pa, Pa, Pa? As you know it'

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s a you know it' s
a way you' re in a conversation,

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so man, I don' t
care, but I think the transsexuals

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potato ta ta? Ta? Ta? Ta? Ta? Ta, I

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kind of tipped you off, it' s like you' re gonna get

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off the road and you' re
gonna get up your ass. Potato tata,

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no. No. I have a
lot of gay friends potato tata,

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so in the head of vertinos erares
it sounded all the time. Pa.

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Pa? Pa? Pa? Pa? Pa? Pa? Pa? Pa?

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Pa? Pa? Pa? Pa? Pa? Pa? This would

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be the thing. He doesn'
t hear. I' m thinking you

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guys know my name. My name
is Pereasnar, but I don' t

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know what you call yourselves. And
this is very important to communicate to the

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three of us. I' d
like you all to shout your name at

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once. Don' t worry,
because I' m super capable of ignoring

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you all at the same time it' s worth three and your name is

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worth a two three. Okay,
and now I' m asking you who

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invented the names, no fucking idea. You' re clear who makes you

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call, I don' t know, man I didn' t stay.

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Who makes you call, Antonio,
you call, Lucia, you call,

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Mari Carmen and I call me Perez, because you don' t know.

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What we do know is what we
called ourselves. At first we called ourselves

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what we called ourselves in the caverns. Humans have been here for a while,

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and the truth is getting noticed.
But in the beginning our name was

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neither Pere, nor Lucia, nor
Maricarmen, nor José Antonio. Our name

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was clear, that is, you
came to the cavern, which is not

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a bar but a house. It' s called a bar, but you

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didn' t take you to a
friend' s cavern and you said how

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nice, man, that you came. I' m here with m is

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also coming after no, and then
we' ll meet B. And then

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there was a problem, because if
there were two that were called B,

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you had to put a second sound. No, no, no, but

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it' s not B that'
s the last name that gave birth to

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the last names. You like it
better than aznar, which is mine the

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truth and this, which seems silly
is forgive me, but we' re

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learning a lot tonight. This is
what makes us connect to our first sho,

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because if any of you go down
the street, joice eh, you

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turn to it, because thousands of
years ago you called yourself eh. He

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uh. What? What? Anyway, what else, oh yeah I'

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m an alcoholic. Uh, let' s see, I' ve been

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drinking for a year, two months
and thirteen days and seven hours, but

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who' s counting. I don' t get it wrong, I mean,

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I usually get it right. But
today I' ve been brought to

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a bar by the sons of Bitch
and I' ve got fifty- seven

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bottles behind me. Yeah, I
counted them on the corner of my eye.

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I can tell you what' s
left. Each one now I don

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' t drink, uh, now
I' ve changed alcohol for walking every

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time I feel like drinking ando.
And because of you today, I'

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ll make my way to Santiago tonight. True I explain because I believe that

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I firmly believe that everything that happens
to us as children affects us as adults.

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I mean, I think if you' re a kid that you study

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in the maristas and there' s
a marista brother that when you' re

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sitting in your desk, he always
comes in the back and puts his penis

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here on your shoulder, like your
shoulder is an ashtray and your penis is

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a cigarette. If that happens very
often, I think over the years,

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because the most normal thing is that
you in the end, because you'

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re a smoker. Not that I
was there for you, but I'

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m an alcoholic of my fucking child
It turns out I was in the hospital

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when I was seven, because suddenly, for no reason, I was giving

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blood to sixty- five degrees that
I think of now. When they tell

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me, I say how they knew
the exact temperature. There was a nurse

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in the lake, a thermometer of
m or maybe the doctor was like a

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teacher for it. I used to
say this one' s hot. Well,

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the thing is, I had blood
coming out of my genitals and I

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had a really bad lumbar area that
I thought about when I was seven.

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Well, finally, it was a
pretty fucked- up kidney infection and when

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it was over, I got cured
and when I was discharged, I was

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told two very important things that have
marked the rest of my life. First,

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I had to remove from my diet
the cheese that looks like it'

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s his non- marital kidney.
We' re going to learn a lot

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tonight and the other one told me
for the rest of your days you have

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to drink a lot of liquid.
And I' m an alcoholic because they

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didn' t specify the fucking doctors. I don' t know about you,

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but I didn' t applaud you. I didn' t applaud,

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eh. I have a grudge.
That' s where I' ve applauded

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more of Baby Ponte than the total
doctors I' ve been an alcoholic,

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but now I' m not,
although now that I think about it,

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Auntie if we' re going to
die, because I eat your ass for

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a shot of jager. Right now, uh, it' s no joke.

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I' m holding on super well. I' m holding on very

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well, and that world is making
it very difficult for us. I think

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I watch TV and all that,
and I' m saying that this is

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doing everything to get me back to
drinking eh he' s more selfish.

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But, well, there are also
economic interests there that I was moving many

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sectors, uh the world of col
la dope, then junk food. I

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mean, I moved a lot of
things you imagine that suddenly I send all

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the shit to you and I get
home drunk today with a turulo and I

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find my daughter, Dad what happens
me, fuck me what I know takes

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feite of touring will you and sleeps
fucking girl for what you earn with absthemia.

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After this time I haven' t
had a drink, the main thing

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and what I' ve been most
excited about is that since I don'

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t drink, I' ve gained
in lucidity. You know, it'

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s for the best, the best
thing about quitting alcohol. It' s

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lucidity and then don' t throw
up on my daughter while she opens the

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Christmas presents. That' s cool, too. But above all lucidity,

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because lucidity, above all it gives
you is that it allows you to ask

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the right questions. And the right
question to ask is whether there really would

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be a real danger that we would
die, if there really was a real

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danger that a nuclear war would fall
on our heads. If that was true,

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if we had to get out of
our homes quickly and you could only

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take one thing, what would it
be that it wouldn' t be sunflower

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oil kids, then no, then
that friends. Thank you very much.

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You' re a fantastic audience.
My name is Aznar.