Litos - Standup comedy

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Comedy Central podcast and give the applause, the machine guns, the muskets.

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How' s it going? You' re going through it? Cool?

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Yeah, well, watch out for
that, but you can' t just

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go through. Cool Just like that, at any moment he' s not

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seen. You know, if you
spend it like that, cool all the

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time people suspect they start counting the
times you go to the bathroom isn'

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t right. Seen. In fact, there is that theory that people who

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always seem happy are because they are
really very sad and it can' t

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be true. But I think the
theory lacks a key point, which is

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to start drinking mid- morning.
You know your uncle, your uncle?

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Your uncle, the nice one,
your uncle, the one with the jokes,

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the one who calls himself your uncle, the cool one Well, your

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uncle, the cool one when there' s early family food. You know

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every time your cool uncle tells you
that you have to take advantage of the

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morning and I' m working on
you already. He' s actually asking

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you for help. You know everything
he says and your cool uncle does is

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a cry for help. Every time
your cool uncle is telling you a joke.

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What he is truly telling you is
that I wish, then, to

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inhabit your body and lover and leave
mine in the open so that the wind

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may blow it. No one'
s gonna dare with this little homemade sorcerer

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that I brought or what eh.
Do you have to have a nice time?

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Have a nice time? You have
to do more things, you have

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to do productive things as well as
having fun they say that now is a

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good time to be an entrepreneur.
I don' t have a joke here,

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but I trusted myself. I trusted
myself and decided to get into pet

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trainer. It occurred to me one
day that I discovered that my dog had

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shit in the shower. Then I
realized it wasn' t me. But

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I said this, I' m
not going to recognize it. And be

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this no, I' m not
going to recognize this. The dog'

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s fault I say I scream at
him. He knows it wasn' t.

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I' m not going to take
any notice of myself I have to

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take advantage of this situation. So
I got him to apply for the postponement

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of live online. When he saw
the move, he said wow, I

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' m sorry. I lied to
you. This did not happen, but

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I see you there and I wanted
to impress you and in the end,

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because I invented not one, when
I want to impress, invent. Fiction

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is always better than reality. Any
real story you put in there a little

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fiction and it always gets better,
you know, you get in there it

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' s a talking dog. Not
in the country house has he seen ghosts.

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Don' t put a guarantee in
there that neither I nor any member

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of my party has embezzled public funds. You know, history better a lot.

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It' s something that gives me
a lot of anger, because,

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I mean, I was going to
commit real crazy things to have real stories,

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powerful to tell people that it has
a good time. Me, this

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is true and I, three years
ago I ended up in the dungeon for

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coming out to my balcony with a
ball gun. History has all the elements.

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I' ll sum it up.
I was there, I had a

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party. I wanted to entertain my
guests. So pretty much the balcony with

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a ball gun made the idiot out
of it. The national police were shot

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at the door. I said it' s because of the noise. There

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' d be eight cops. They
took me, mobilized me, threw me

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to the ground, started screaming the
gun. Where' s the alarm?

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I mean, it wasn' t
the music, it wasn' t the

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gun. They went into the floor
at gunpoint, woke up a sleeping roommate,

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immobilized him in his bed while opening
drawers and looking for a gun,

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and I screamed from the floor.
I didn' t go. I was

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a ball man, I was a
joke. They took me or took me

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to a police station, sat me
in a chair, took pictures of me.

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I fall asleep and I say well, so far the party isn'

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t being that weird either. They
put me in the dungeon, I woke

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up after a while. There,
next to a cellmate that the guy really

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had to know where the coffee machine
was. Your first time, I cried

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after a while. They pulled me
out. I had a first statement with

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an ex officio lawyer. They said
maybe he was going to prison. They

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said he had a call that he
was calling. I said to my mother

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they told me to think about it, best take it for a walk.

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They put me back in the dungeon. I cried again. They woke me

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up. At three in the morning, I was handcuffed to the rest of

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the prisoners, all of them in
ranks. They took us to the van

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of the van, took us to
the dungeon of Moratalás, gave me a

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blanket, a mattress, a small
packet of chickens and a little tetrabric of

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juice that was good to go well
cutres themselves. The truth. Don'

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t applaud, because it' s
all shame, a real story. I

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fell asleep and woke up at ten
o' clock in the morning and was

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handcuffed again to all the prisoners.
We left like this in line to one

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we got into the van, they
took us to the calabo of Plaza Castilla,

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which I say well, here you
put a tourist guide with a banner

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and you are on tour for Morocco, which by the way I love Morocco.

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I don' t know if you' ve been, but the exaggeration

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is incredible. I mean, against
what they think. There' s a

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lot of party in exaggeration. The
Berbers are there all day, a little

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joke to cheer up the story.
They took me to the dungeon a ra

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you flabbes put me in the dungeon
they took me out for the quick trial.

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I said this is my time.
There was a woman who was repeating

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loudly everything I said. The fair
one asked me what you remember and I

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said I remember doing zero- type
poses zero seven and the woman repeated loudly

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zero- type poses seven. In
the other light I wrote it. It

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tells me what you do for a
living. I said. I' m

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funny and he tells me but you
make a living like me and I,

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thinking I wish you could avoid your
body. I told him. I told

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him that well, I had a
lot of fun doing it. Woman repeated,

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had a good time doing it and
let me go. There' s

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the story and the truth is that
you took advantage to tell this here because

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I' m awaiting trial. So, Madam Judge, if you see me

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that you have shown that everything I
told you is true and these people are

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with me you know, please,
rome encartals to see eh I. You

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have to spend it, cool with
care, you have to spend it,

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cool with care, you have to
take advantage of having your mind entertained.

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In other things, you know more
innocuous things. I, for example,

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recently decided to buy a book,
a biology book, and it' s

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changing my life, I mean,
it' s amazing the plants dude is

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alive that shit, that is the
fucking plants, I mean, so I

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' ve read. The only difference
between a palm tree and me is that

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I can' t reach seven meters
and I' m much more likely to

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create uncomfortable situations. You knew we
were made up of a trillion cells,

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that is, a trillion cells,
a trillion cells motivated and prepared to make

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you look ridiculous, a trillion cells, waiting, waiting for the time to

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come for someone to say hello to
you to say thank you and the loas

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said trion wasn' t enough,
but that was more of an office.

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I don' t know. Since
I read this book I have realized that

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this is said not of what world
we are going to leave our children.

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No. I believe that climate change
is not going to be one of the

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problems they are going to have,
that is, they are going to have

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much more serious problems than being forty
degrees in the shadow of sorio in February.

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You know our kids are gonna have
to face things like knowing that hundreds

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or thousands of strangers have seen them
grow up on social media. They'

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re gonna get a moment that our
kids, not your son or your daughter

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is gonna go down the street,
get it from a gentleman and he'

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s gonna say it man. I' ve known you, I' ve

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known you since you were like that
and you' re going to be and

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your son or your daughter is going
to say that you' re friends with

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my parents and the lord will say
no good. I followed your mother.

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You know you have to pass it
to him, cool, but you have

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to pass it to him, cool, you have to pass it to him,

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cool. You take advantage of the
moment, because you never know when

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life is going to take an unexpected
turn. I, for example, spent

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two months living in my car this
summer. That wasn' t the unexpected

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turn. I mean, me right
now. Every time I go to the

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workshop it' s like going there
that I spent two months living in my

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car, but because I started working
as a waiter in a beach bar.

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When I tell you this, people
say well, at least you' d

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meet a lot of people and I' d see shit behind a bush.

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The last thing I wanted was to
socialize. But the truth is it was

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a good experience and I had a
great time. I mean start working as

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a waiter after years of what might
be considered professional drunk, I felt like

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a footballer who jumps coach. You
know in my case I was like Roberto

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Carlos, coach, player. It
was a good experience, an experience in

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fact, going out there with Bride. Yeah, I got a girlfriend now.

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We' re all just as surprised. It' s the first time

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I' ve ever had a girlfriend. I' m so excited, I

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mean, it' s all amazing, so I feel like an intern.

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The other day he told me he
was thinking of leaving him and I asked

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him for a letter of recommendation.
It was all super pretty, really,

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it was all very nice. Do
at first or at least until the time

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of the first surprise fart came.
The fart was mine. We were there

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in bed a few days before we
met and I was in this state as

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if I slept half awake candle,
half asleep that you don' t know

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very well where you are. You
know if all of a sudden my sfinter

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relaxed and pash woke up a clear
fart looks to one side of life.

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I' m here and I caught
myself still without sound, as if I

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were in front of a REX tyrant
to see if she had also woken up

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with her fart, kept sleeping and
listened to her breathing uy, I fuck

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what tension or she' s sleeping
or she' s enjoying it and she

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couldn' t anymore the tsar Anne
and I say hey I think we'

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ve been robbed says, but what
do you say if we' re in

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your car. Yeah, I laughed, too, and he looked at me

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and he told me you' re
having a good time. Cool. Thank

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you very much, Sois, we' re empathetic.