Fernando Moraño -Hijo Universo

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S Comedy Central Podcast. Thank you, Friends. Well, you' re

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quite right, but we' re
not here to discuss this. Good for

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those of you who know me about
previous monologues in central comics, well.

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I made a monologue about 15 meters. He disappeared 15 meters and showed up

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We can do it. I made
a monologue about the Palmar de Troya and

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the Palmar de Troya is beginning to
disappear. I made a monologue about hope

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ire and only resigned bad luck.
Now I' m going to make a

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monologue about the universe, so,
if the apocalypse comes, I' ve

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been worth it I don' t
make you bieis, no, because that

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' s what he was telling me. Guys, let' s talk about

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this. I have been pursuing the
political class, the bankers, the parish

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priests for many years, pursuing the
economic and social system that destroys us.

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But I have discovered that this is
the path of hatred, that I do

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not want to be a slave to
hatred, because there is a system above

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that which has been destroying us for
millions of years, which is the Solar

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system. I openly declare myself an
anti- solar system. Why do I

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have to accept arbitrary laws like the
law of gravity, which I have not

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voted for. Hey, rooms in
here tonight, your back hurts because of

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that damn law and you friends who
hang your breasts. I' m with

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you, I' m sorry,
but we' re going to repeal the

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law of gravity and we can fuck
seriously. Zero you imagine, they give

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you a dick and they bring you
home. It' s wonderful. That

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' s the one I really mean
not. The other day I was seeing

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the Universe, because it' s
watching it. I can afford it.

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I don' t have a terrace
and I smoke joints. That section is

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something I can do. Not that
you look at the universe and it'

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s how it' s gonna make
me feel insignificant about a nigger, that

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is, it' s something that
happens. Uh, and I' m

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staring at the universe. I mean, my mother, if this is manga

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per shoulder, one star, here
the other, since there is no criterion.

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You know you say that stars change
color, that there' s a

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little museum in the background, like
Christmas decorations, you fucking see a joy.

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But that' s a mess,
I mean. But now there are

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people who claim that that makes sense. Not, for example, astronomers and

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astrologers. It is necessary to differentiate
astronomer from astrologer, for example, astronomy

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studies the physionomy of the Universe.
Okay astronomer was, for example, Galileo.

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Galilei knew that he said that the
earth was round and that it revolved

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around the sun through its gravitational fields. And everyone knows that' s a

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lie. What drives the world is
insex money and drugs. I mean,

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Galileo, you don' t know
no and an astrologer, because they would

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be Rappel and Sandro Rey and those
other millenarian cockatoos who are dedicated to stealing

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from the illiterates of this country.
Okay That' s the difference. Mainly,

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the first astrologers in history were Arabs, so we live under the aesthetic

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dictatorship of Isis, which tells you
that right there in the North Star and

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its eggs that is the North Star. I want to choose I' m

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making a change org so that the
North Star is the South Star that catches

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me closer to home. What'
s up, I can' t,

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I can' t. The direct
heirs of the first Arab astronomers and astrologers

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are the hippies of rural houses,
those who catch you by band and tell

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you sometimes from there. That'
s what hassiopeado Ves, which has the

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form of Cassiopeia, and that'
s Andromeda, which has the shape of

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Andromeda Ves and that' s the
frying pan and the cart over there.

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We also call it the big bear
and the little bear. I say asshole,

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you don' t even know the
way it is and you go into

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age details, you know what you' re telling me. I can play

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that, too. I can also
create my own cosmogony. I can create

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my own universe. We have to
put together the dots. It' s

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very simple. I' ll take
the stars. So, another, over

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here, another, over here,
another, over here the dick of uranus.

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I did it with my hands.
The problem is that we are enduring

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that aesthetic dictatorship of the universe and, in addition, we are enduring the

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moral dictatorship of the universe that forces
us to be one way or another.

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According to our horoscope sign, by
which if you are an aquarium, you

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are creative and empathetic and you fuck, even if you are working in an

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assembly chain and are discovering you in
the face, you are creative and impact.

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And that' s how it ended. It' s eyeball with those

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horoscope geeks. Those people you'
re at the disco and they' re

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coming up to you like hello.
What do I know? You' re

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not even the name. Not even
the name I am. I' m

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an aquarium, ah, it'
s an aquarium, oh, how strong.

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I' m Gemini. We'
re super compatible. Let' s

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fuck come on anyway. If you
have a veneer, you know, blow

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the stars protect him. You know
that? Is that so? Is that

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so? It' s like human
stupidity travels through the universe as it climbs

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into the orion cart. You know
it' s practically not then. The

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theme of horoscopes. The theme of
horoscopes. Personally, I have begun to

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reinterpret it, because I too can
create my own horoscope and I have the

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final one. I know what each
person is like according to what he asks

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for from a lid horoscope bar,
who from here is anchovy raise your hand

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those who are anchovy that is anchoite, good people, the anchovies. Very

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salty, very salty. But in
the internal forum, a bunch of shit.

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Hey, famous things. Hey,
someone who' s potato, brava,

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potato, brava, I love potato
brava, simple people, people who

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go face- to- face,
uh, people who are willing to share

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always, but if you don'
t throw sauce at three- paired insuls.

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Someone who' s San Gwin,
seen this bloodthirsty, seen, no,

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man you can see in your eyes. Hey, the Sangwin, you

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see, he' s a guy
who combines you with everything, with coke,

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with coffee, with the cubata in
the morning in the afternoon. When

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you don' t feel like being
with a sangir seen at any time,

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but then they give it to you
with cheese very carefully with them. Hey,

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object. I' m octopus.
You know how we are octopus,

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not cartilageous, tender, but our
hand goes. What are the differences between

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an octopus and me, because I
don' t have to be a sucker

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to cook me You see, I
go just for that, friends, we

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live in deception and we live in
panic. We' re scared, we

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' re scared all the time.
We' re afraid the end will come.

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We' re afraid extraterrestrials will come
to destroy us. And they came,

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but they said pussy. If they
go alone you know they don'

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t need to. We' re
not obsessed. They don' t say

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there' s smart life out there
There' s smart life in here.

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This is what worries me. I
don' t give a shit about intelligence,

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man. I' d like you
to be dumber than us, that

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is, to come out Minister of
Defense and say well, we' ve

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had an extraterrestrial contact and the truth
is that aliens have let us down deeply.

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They' re moronic, but I
mean, they' re waving at

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you like that. That' s
why lake is and we champions, champions

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that roll. You understand that stuff
mainly not, but of course I don

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' t give a shit about that
extraterrestrial The titles that have the master'

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s degrees as smart as they are. What worries me is less I can

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fuck because I' m tired of
being bisexual. I want to try new

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formulas. You know seven tits,
five dicks in the shoulder. A bifido

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bear asshole is having weird sons like
Zapatero' s daughters. You know kids

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with two heads. That' s
good, you have to feed two mouths,

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but it' s a stomach.
Alone. You know, at most

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you spend it on salt caps What
I want to say to you is that

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a Martian world wants to go to
a puti clú and that there are Vulcan

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sluts, you know, and that
they' re there Imanol arias and haganovee

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cutting ham with a sword. Laser
there that looks like churruscadito. You know,

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that' s my extraterrestrial fantasy.
That' s what I want to

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the awesome. We' re not
afraid of space in general, but it

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' s our fourth, because you
know, you know that the planet can

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destroy us, uh, because we' re afraid that tectonic plates, when

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they rub, don' t make
love. You know, we' re

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afraid of earthquakes and we' re
afraid of tidal waves, that I don

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' t understand that tidal waves kill
a lot of people whatever you want,

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but what movies we do, my
mother, at last they ate it with

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the servians, things how they are, I' ve seen the impossible.

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They' re going to do the
second part is going to be called the

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next and the third part I'
m going to sweep because I don'

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t see the shit that leaves the
movie. That' s the one you

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signed up for. Not that.
We' re scared, guys, we

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' re completely freaked out. We
are afraid that machines, this is incredible,

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that machines develop superior artificial intelligence and
are smarter than us. Don'

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t worry about me. They can
never be just as stupid as we are.

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We' ll always beat them there, unless the machines do stupid things.

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Medium machines are normal, that is, I know chairs you roll with

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pedals. That' s what I' m for, what do I know?

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Yo, what do I know?
That' s why? Friends,

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as we are afraid of all this. It seems that on Earth we have

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designed a plan for when we destroy
the planet, because we are going to

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destroy it, because we have to
keep selling motorcycles, which is a shame,

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because the planet is fine, has
WiFi and the weather is good,

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but you see that it is not
good enough for us. So what we

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' ve said is that we'
re going to Mars, that since there

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' s no one is ours,
that' s how you occupy the universe.

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No, then we' re going
to Mars, we' re going

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to Mars, and that' s
what we' ve decided. But I

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don' t want us to be
prepared. I don' t see what

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you guys consider. I don'
t think we' re ready to go

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to Mars. Notice that NASA sent
a crew there and they came in and

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said this is the atmosphere that'
s inspiring. Oh, I don'

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t even know what Kim means to
smoke or we' ll learn to breathe.

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That' s true. It'
s just that we' re obsessed

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with oxygen. We have an addiction
because we' re addicted to oxygen,

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like everybody else does. It'
s free, so am I, uh,

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and come breathe like no one else' s. Eh now if we

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' re not going to Mars anywhere. The other day, my grandfather was

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in the hospital with the mask swelling
up. Uh, well, I took

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the mask off one of those muddy
ways and I' m grandma if you

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' re not gonna get over it. That' s right, that'

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s right. What vice do the
truth hide from us? Guys, are

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you hiding the truth from us?
There' s life on Mars. That

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' s something you' ve never
been told, but that I know when

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Mars arrived, they found in a
crater of Mars a woman from Cuenca attached

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to the crater, dressed in the
garter singing the jack of the universe,

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which says so and this is the
jack of the universe. He sang it

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to you in prose. There in
verse and you' re the jack jack

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of the cosmos for what we were
and what you' re about, and

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you' re the jack jack of
that turn Marta and pluton, which used

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to be a planet and now it' s all a jerk. The amazing.

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The amazing thing is this really happened. The lady was glued to the

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crater and the astronate was floating in
gravity h the son of the So how

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can it be that you do not
affect the gravity son, already man,

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the tradition that weighs a lot hahaja. Thanks, let' s do the

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octopus a little good, folks.
In any case, in any case,

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there is hope. Okay, don' t lose faith because there' s

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hope. They say three billion light
years from here, because space travels in

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light year. Don' t tell
me because uh, I think it'

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s because it' s very repetitive
that I' ve seen a piece of

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the universe. Seen all that means, the Universe is like Murcia. Not

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that you appreciate the tunnel. You
know we can say that the Universe is

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a Murcia gif. Hey, we
can say something like that. No.

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Then the journey of anger is in
light year that the light year, because

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you already know that you can not
travel at the speed of light with a

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photo of your children that says Dad
do not run. It' s very

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difficult and you can' t get
ahead of the light because you can'

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t put the flashers on it.
But the one- way trip is in

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light year and the one back is
in shadow year. It' s clear

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no, that' s a year
in prison that' s said to be

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a shadow is a year in prison, the prison that' s a black

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hole. Why. Because there are
temporary space phases, space is reduced and

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time becomes longer, unless it is
barcenas then you get out earlier. It

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' s a little how it works. Not so, three billion light years

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away, boys, there' s
a galaxy called Alpha Centauri, which has

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three soles ole and your sea cock
three soles. There' s the batium

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on the floor You know the electrics
There' s no way they do business.

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You say I' m going to
sunbathe and say what an hour of

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sun on an Alfa Centauri beach,
uh, three alone at beach time.

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That' s a dog year.
At least it' s cool. Plus,

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all Afters, all Afters to three
suns. Of course, the Valencians

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go there head- on. You
know, they love that. I love

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it, because that' s what
I' m telling you. Alpha,

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Centauri Alpha comes from the Latin Alpha
and Centauri comes from the Latin of a

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hundred Toritos. What it means is
that three billion light years from here there

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are St Fermines, so there is
wine, so there is life. Hey,

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so just relax. Hey, there' s a lot of people worried,

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very concerned about the origin of the
universe, who was a creator,

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it was a big band. I
don' t give a shit. The

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origin of the mega universe blows.
What concerns me is the origin of citizens.

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Hey, that' s what I' m worried about. To see

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the truth, honestly good. We' re talking origins. I' m

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going to talk about mine It'
s worth me several years ago before I

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was funny, about ten years ago
I devoted a lot of time from my

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life to the noble art of work
and I was working in Barcelona. I

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' ve been in Madrid for ten
years. I got to Madrid, I

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flipped, I asked for a cane. I can' t say. He

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asks me for a cane and they
put me on a dish with shrimp.

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I don' t fuck around.
I have not asked for this effect,

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in Barcelona, at most they put
you a napkin za. They tell me

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no, it' s not free, I don' t fuck. I

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called Catalonia. I' m telling
you, it' s true that they

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steal our money and spend it on
prawns, motherfuckers. Of course, well,

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this is an anecdote that happened to
me. It' s really why

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I left my previous job It'
s worth something that really happened. At

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that time I worked in customs,
import and export of goods. And one

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day he calls my boss and tells
me that our most important client, an

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Argentine gentleman, brings his dog worth
on a plane and I have to go

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and greet the dog with honors,
with the municipal orchestra and two Basques dancing

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him. The aurresque is worth it
I' m serious I' m telling

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you, it' s totally true. At that moment I am ready to

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get to where the dog is and
I see that the dog has arrived,

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but that does not participate in its
existence what they call it in the world

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of aviation to arrive in plan Kennedy
goes for the others. Come on,

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the dog' s dead. Or
Vito' s worth caputo and calls my

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boss I say Albert, albert A
dos is mort in Castellano. Alberto Alberto,

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the dog has died something my boss
tells me can' t be me.

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I go near the dog and I
apologize, but my boss says this

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isn' t going. The dead
dog. He didn' t answer me

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straight alive. I wasn' t
going to understand myself either Alberto or this

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dog has a very serious empathy problem. Or he' s dead and my

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boss tells me do what you have
to do. I say very well,

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I' ll throw the dance of
life around the box and the dog will

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be resurrected. I' m sorry, but I can' t do anything.

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I mean, look, I give
you 24 hours, and I,

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uh, well, I don'
t care if you give me a week.

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There' s nothing to do.
He tells me to give you six

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hundred euros. I' m good
there. We started talking. Then at

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that moment I went to what is
the State Security Corps in Customs to the

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customs police I go near them and
I say sorry you will not have a

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German pastor of these that you have
that suits you very well with the ka

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here. Hey, that he'
s been fooled about smelling dope, that

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doesn' t distinguish MDMA from Hachis
anymore, that already for a total thing

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that the guy tells me please get
out of here immediately. I don'

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t know what the hell you think
this is I totally get out of there

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saying maemia. I' m totally
messing with it. No, and on

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the way out to a partner,
a co- driver, he comes up

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and tells me what you want a
dog. This is Spain, guys,

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uh, I mean yes, yes, yes, I' m totally interested

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I get money destined to blackmail officials
uy bad. I' m telling you

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this, maybe I' m in
trouble It' s easy. They gave

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me money to blackmail officials, but
I did what made my clients steal to

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keep the money from blackmail, which
we now call the People' s Party.

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It' s okay for you to
understand me to see I' m

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the germ of all that. It
has been me, it has been me,

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it is worth forgiving, done,
thank you, for total forgiveness,

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because at that moment we took out
a dog, a German shepherd who perhaps

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were not identical because I did not
measure the armhole of the dead dog either

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I could not or perhaps. This
one was from Cologne and the other one

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was from Berlin. Whatever' s
not total, I take out the dead

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dog and shove the dog alive,
because if you leave it inside, the

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same thing will throw it away.
That' s necrophophilia. It' s

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not even on the Internet. You
know, it' s totally complicated that

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the dead dog gets dumped in a
trash can. I give you a dignified

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burial that you already wanted, the
victim of Francoism. Hey, thanks,

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you' d like it and I' ll leave the dog alive It'

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s okay here, it' s
strong. The next day the client comes

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and I, saying look I'
m a crack, doesn' t reach

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the client and gets close to the
box. And when he approaches the dog

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' s box, the dog starts
barking. I' m telling you,

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another Argentine with surprise cocaine. But
when he gets to the box, the

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man reaches his hand around his heavy
neck and starts screaming, screaming and angry.

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But what did the dog come dead, quiet, be at bust pace

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a prefererate. I know it'
s hard? I know it' s

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hard. The man had brought his
dead dog from Argentina to bury him in

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the garden of his house. So
far everything normal doesn' t know what

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' s going on, that it' s illegal for a dead dog to

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travel if it' s not for
food and this isn' t China,

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or it' s for tashidermia and
a German pastor and to be careful of

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the dining room, that is,
but some asshole like me, for a

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little bit more money, skipped the
laws for that dog to travel. And

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then I, for a little more
money, skipped the laws to get that

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dog out. And this, my
friends, is a metaphor for capitalism.

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Thank you very much. And finally, as the Great Peter Reyes said,

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the universe is infinite, but a
little narrow. Thank you very much and

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good night.