Elena Beltran - Standup comedy

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Comedy Central Podcast. How nice?
Thank you very much, thank you very

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much, so glad to see that
you are also me. The truth is

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I' m pretty good, even
though a few weeks ago I found out

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that a guy I hooked up with
is now screeching thanks for the empathy.

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Yeah, pretty frightful. I discovered
the situation because the guy put up a

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story about Whatsapp, that is,
in Whatsapp he didn' t put up

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a photo in which he saw a
priest ordering madness. I don' t

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know if you know what it'
s like to put your hands on his

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head. Yeah, and I thought
oysters, that priest has his hands where

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one day I had my hands.
Yeah, that priest and I made a

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high fife through this guy' s
head. I' m pretty excited about

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it, but it' s true
when we go to bed. He wasn

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' t a priest. He wasn' t a priest. He was the

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seminarian. Yeah, I know that
as an excuse, it' s not

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very good. It' s a
flag net my friends didn' t think

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I' d have to be warned
by a seminarian. In case someone doesn

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' t know a priest' s
student. I like to think that I

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have mounted myself on a priest with
an I Yes, now I laugh,

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now I laugh, but when I
discovered it it was not funny. Hey,

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it wasn' t funny. When, in fact, I saw him

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in the picture and thought my mother, I can' t believe they laughed

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at me with a guy who was
their Whatsapp stories that didn' t embarrass

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me. Okay, now that it' s open to you, my heart

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' s a little open, I
want to ask you something. You know

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what Android' s hidden folders are. There' s no perverts in the

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room. Apart from me. Okay, okay, it' s okay.

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They are folders inside the ga mobile
where you can save the photos protected by

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a pattern, by a code worth
I see faces nodding yes, the same

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is the folder that you call the
one of the photococks. Maybe I don

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' t know, I don'
t know. I don' t know.

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I recently discovered them because a little
while ago I had some kind of

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TS, some kind of TS.
It' s a TS. But when

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you' re embarrassed to say yes, I went to the gynecologist because I

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had blisters in my pussy you hardly
go to the gynecologist. Not anyway and

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he saw the blisters and told me
don' t worry. It' s

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nothing serious, it' s not
something like papilloma or so he told me

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to calm down. In fact,
a lot of kids have this shit.

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I' m not reassured, king. He said no, they don'

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t have him in their arms.
Such and I say ah worth it because

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I don' t fuck any boy, some little girl, well, but

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of course I know it' s
not about the arm. Anyway, the

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case, the case is that the
gynecologist told me, this is happening very

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easily. You have to give yourself
this cremita. The medication was corrosive acid,

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but as it was for my pussy, the guy called it cremita.

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Sure. The thing is, I
have a problem that I imagine will happen

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to a lot of you here and
I just don' t see my own

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pussy. Well, I' m
saying if any of you don' t

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explain to me how I' d
love to. But the fact is,

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you have to give it to her
very precisely in the wounds, because it

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' s a corrosive acid. You
know you can' t paint crazy and

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make ember rabbit. Not clear then
what I was doing, or God I

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' m going to put myself here
so you can see what I was doing

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in my bathroom. In my bathroom
I don' t have a bar yet,

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but I sat on the floor,
I would put my legs like that.

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But now I' m not gonna
do that. I' m not

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doing abs either. I didn'
t go off like that and put on

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a set of lights and mirrors that
I liked to call the pussy of versalles.

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The problem is that in the medication
I put it you have to give

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it in the granites and when it
starts to redden clearly I, like I

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told you, do not see my
pussy. How do I know if he

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' s getting red and I had
an idea, I mean I know.

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I take a picture every day after
I give myself the cremita and I see

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the progression of redness. No,
don' t feel like a king.

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It' s not a good idea. It' s not a good idea,

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but I still didn' t know. So what I did was I

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took three pam pam pam photos,
because since I put on, I'

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m coming upstairs. I don'
t make a big friend, Spielbergh'

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s pussy guy. I take those
photos and I send them to the hidden

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folder, I go to the folder, hide and they' re gone.

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I' m going to the gallery
and they' re gone. I took

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three more photos, I control them
in the folder, they' re hidden

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and they' re gone. I' m going to the gallery and they

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' re gone. I said Oky, it' s okay, and I

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decided to make about three last pam
pam pictures, which already made Zoom look

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pearly with the sweat of anxiety.
Yeah, and I sent them to the

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hidden folder, I' m going
to the hidden folder and they' re

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not going to the gallery and they' re not ok. How does this

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work out, because of course I
had nine pictures of my pussy lost?

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You can' t ask for help
from a cocufat for this. No yes

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and I was worried not so much
about losing them. I' ve lost

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a lot of things. The dne
and the keys, dignity will appear,

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no matter what. I was worried
I' d find them at a bad

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time like that. They' re
showing my mother the photos of the Mira

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Mama basin, the cathedral, how
pretty, the hanging houses and itza the

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Ninja pussy. What a situation.
If when I was telling this story to

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a friend she told me the aunt
of the nine pictures you took of your

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pussy, because the fourth, to, the fifth, the sixth didn'

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t make it out of a hand
or a shampoo I say very good question.

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I told him I was from the
open cinema and not ass, which

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is what I really am if it
was important for me to find those photos.

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They were really close- ups of
my pussy Okay if I had to

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find them. They were pictures so
close that you could play ass elbow or

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pussy that you pussy, because here
there was no doubt. Okay, it

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was kind of obvious. So what
I did was call my cousin, I

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mean, you have to think that
at the time I was totally alienated.

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I had lost nine pictures of my
pussy and I called my cousin and I

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started yelling and you say to Isa, my pussy is in Arnia I swear

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to you. That' s how
it was, how it happened pretty awful.

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I was telling him. I know
it exists, but I don'

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t know where it is. Or
a fucking comparison. I know. I

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also say a pussy that you know
exists, you don' t know where

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it' s thought. Maybe this
happened to the seminarian with my clitoris.

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I don' t know, I
don' t know. That' s

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another story, as well as the
fact that we' re looking all over

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my phone. I was already leading
on the call and I was checking all

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the folders and she told me aunt, they' re gone. They'

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re not, there' s no
pictures of your pussy he told me anyway.

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You haven' t done them and
I held on to denial as in

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your day. I held on to
the seminarian. I mean, I didn

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' t do them, I didn' t do them, of course I

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did, and then I relaxed.
I went quietly to the subway line one

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that was full to burst and she
sent me a whatsapp because I had yelled

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at her my pussy is in Narnia. I wanted to know if I was

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okay, obviously not, and then
Auntie told me, you' re calmer

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and I said okay and I'
m going to send her a selfin not

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to see that I' m already
looking at the pussy well and opened Whatsapp

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and in Whatsappa below, you get
the thumbnails of the last photos. There

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was the Ninja pussy. You bet, you bet. Yeah, I don

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' t know if it' s
ever happened to you, you' re

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empathizing a lot, but alone.
But thank you. Yeah, the thing

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is, I had a palpitation and
I say, oh, the virgin.

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You will see that all apps that
have their own photo gallery. It'

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s actually on Instagram and I could
upload stories from the nine photos of my

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pussy I walk into Gemel and I
could pull up the nine pictures of my

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pussy but I go to the gallery
and they' re gone. I'

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m going to the hidden folder and
they' re gone. I' m

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saying shit is this, I mean, I can' t erase the photos,

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but I can mail them to my
boss that someone will think. Maybe

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you' re worth a promotion.
Maybe you' re worth a promotion.

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No. They weren' t pictures
very close to my pussy as well as

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close up a pussy with blisters.
They were very unpleasant, very unpleasant,

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almost as much as a normal,
very unpleasant photocock. Yeah, next step.

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I see there' s a lot
of pain. Thank you, girls,

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for being with me on this.
Next step. What I did was

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from the subway. He' ll
call Xiaomi' s technical service and answer

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me a woman to whom I send
a huge kiss. Actually, because I

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started yelling at her that there were
some pictures in a thousand pussy that were

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on social media, but they weren' t in the folder. Well,

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I don' t think about this
point anymore It wasn' t Narnia'

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s pussy Even the pussy that'
s there isn' t Rodinger' s.

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Of course not. If the aunt
hung me up for whatever, I

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don' t know and when I
calmed down and called him back, I

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had blocked myself that I thought she
would have left me annotadic like crazy pussy,

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because I wish, yes, I
wish, yes, yes, yes,

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many. Or the thing is that
I solve this story, because with

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a brilliant genius plan. The truth
is, like everything I did that day,

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it was making me a selfie car
from the subway with Histeria' s

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face to send down the pictures like
you know how to make it a little

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longer to show up in the gallery. If you see someone doing selfis like

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that, he' s not a
vain person, he' s still hiding

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pictures of his pussy. Okay Anyway. Now that I don' t want

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to talk to you so much about
things that make you uncomfortable. I'

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m going to ask a question.
Who here has satisfied yesterday. One person

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sucks, I already say three.
Okay, good. The statistics say many.

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You' re lying, but it' s okay. I' m

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on top of my satisfaction yesterday.
I want it a lot that the other

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day a guy told me that subject
is already very much seen. I didn

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' t tell her how to mess
with my husband she brought. It'

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s not true. It' s
true. I want a lot to satisfy

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me yesterday anyway to get married.
No, but couple in fact the same.

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If not, Madame de pro Dos, the fact is that I see

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a couple of hits on my satisfaction
yesterday. I don' t know if

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the ones you have and the rest
you' ve lied about, you'

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ll agree. The first is that
my satisfaction from the first charge is not

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the same. Yeah, I don' t know what' s going on.

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It' s kind of like Kiko
Matamoros' face. I don'

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t know what' s going on. But there' s something wrong.

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There' s something wrong. Yeah. The other thing I see yesterday'

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s satisfaction is that you can'
t use it while it' s loaded.

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There are some that you' ve
understood very quickly so you don'

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t have Yeah, it' s
clear, it' s like having a

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fucking lover. But narcoleptic. And
I wonder, I mean, I wonder

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why they did the wireless yesterday satisfaction. If there' s actually every place

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I want to masturbate. There'
s a light plug in, in my

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house, in my living room,
there' s a lot of lapsicles back

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there It' s all right.
No, no, no, no,

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no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

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00:12:37.200 --> 00:12:37.200
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

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00:12:37.200 --> 00:12:37.200
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

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00:12:37.200 --> 00:12:37.200
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

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00:12:37.200 --> 00:12:37.200
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

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00:12:37.200 --> 00:12:37.200
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

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00:12:37.200 --> 00:12:37.200
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

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00:12:37.200 --> 00:12:37.200
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

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00:12:37.200 --> 00:12:37.200
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

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no, no, no. The
only place I couldn' t use

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the plug satisfaction is on the street
and I like handjobs as private help.

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Yeah, well, that' s
good. This one gets a little harder.

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It' s okay. The point
is, a girl told me aunty

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about the plug- in yesterday.
It' s a terrible idea. Why

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couldn' t you use it in
the shower? There. He knew it

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00:13:01.200 --> 00:13:13.840
could be used in the shower.
Yeah, you don' t need to

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explain. It' s Tuan who' s talking. Yeah, I didn

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' t know, but I'
ve made up my time. He went

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all the way. Yeah, yeah, well. It doesn' t matter

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how someone didn' t laugh at
this to keep this note because it'

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s a treat. Me. The
truth is, before I tried it,

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I said I' m going to
Google it and see if I' m

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going to die of horny. No, no, no, no, no,

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no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

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no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

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no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

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no, no, no, no. No, no, no, the

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thing is, I looked it up. But on a website I would say

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that, if it could be done, I would put the satisfaction for two

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as it is a watertight compartment,
that is, closed. It can be

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used both in showers and in bathtubs
as well as in swimming pools. My

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00:13:58.159 --> 00:14:03.519
lifeguards aren' t right. I
remember this, but okay if he proposes

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that you meet he can use you
in those three places, but he would

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generally. In general, care should
be taken when using it in wet environments.

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Satisfied, I don' t know
how to slow it down, but

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closing it well is probably not worth
doing these unfortunate searches. I' ve

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got my cookis blown up. If
you know what cookis are, this thing

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you' re browsing you accept them
and then they make you personalized suggestions.

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Okay, so my cookies are taking
some trust with me that I don'

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t really like. The other day, I got an ad that paid little

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attention. These sandals with heels are
for you forgive. I didn' t

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know we were at that point in
the relationship where we could fuck each other.

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Because I have something to say to
my cooki. The first one,

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what' s wrong with the ads
and all the time I get ads for

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condoms, lubricants, sex toys.
You want to tell me something. You

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look like my last scroll in Stories
so indirect, and then the other thing

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that happens to my couks is geolocation
is going to be fatal as it were.

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Every time I sail in hiding,
my cuki think I' m in

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Indonesia. It' s not Indonesia, man is the usual room with the

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lights off, of course because I' m looking for disgusting things, like

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the headlines of daily ope, the
contestants of brother one or how to make

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a Cuban with small breasts anyway,
things are probably bursting. I, too,

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have my letter for doing these terrible
searches in the end. But I

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made up for it because a few
months ago some people stole from me.

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They told me clear in your neighborhood
or no cari was in a good area.

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In my neighborhood you bring the stolen
stuff. You don' t steal

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clear, yeah, yeah, in
a good area. They stole my purse,

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which I also say I dislike,
especially for the guy who took it

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like two euros and a one-
hundred- pump cell phone. This happens

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to him for stealing comics and it
was base distasteful and the next day a

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can I had to go put the
complaint blah blah blah, make the duplicate

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card and when I went to the
store, the aunt told me don'

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t worry, because this is all
protected by passwords they won' t be

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able to enter anywhere, in no
app at most, if they connect the

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mobile to a computer, they will
be able to access your photos. So

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out of this whole story you have
to keep three teachings. The first is

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that you have to use the satisfayan
in the shower. The second ones you

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don' t. You have to
take pictures of your pussy and, finally,

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if you take pictures of your pussy, don' t take a selfis

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car later, because, like someone
attacks, you of which is yours.

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Thank you so much.