Carmen Romero - Standup comedy

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Comedy Central podcast s s. Thank
you, thank you. I don'

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t care how you guys are.
I' m not okay. Okay,

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I' m not okay. I
realized the other day that I wasn'

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t right when they called me from
a phone company to tell me their publicity

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and instead of telling him I'
m on the Robinson list, I don

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' t know if you know what
the Robinson list is. It' s

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a list you sign up for and
then they can' t call you to

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advertise anymore. And then what they
called me. I got really nervous and

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I told him, instead of telling
him I' m on the Robinson list,

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I told him he' s studying
on Schindler' s list. Auntie

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hung up on me. He hung
up on me. He realized, I

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mean, the message that I'
m protected and I can' t do

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anything about it. He got it, but I fucking got hung up by

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an agent of these callers to tell
you about the publicity, eh, Host.

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I don' t want to go, but I know what you'

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re thinking. I know what your
question is right now, in your head

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this chick, what the fuck she
wants, what a monologue is doing here,

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because I love trying to make people
laugh for money, of course,

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that is, me money. It' s what I like the most,

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money, but also attention. I
mean, I need attention, a lot

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of attention, because no one'
s ever listened to me. I have

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a lot of affective deficiencies. So
I, right now, am like when

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a man breaks a nail. Okay
it' s like I' m here

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right now for me all the attention
right now, for me okay this happens

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to me since I was little,
because when I was always little, always,

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always decorated in children' s functions, always, always was tree and

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then I threw a lot of extra
hours at home. So I' ve

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never been listened to, I'
ve never been heard less than by Infanta

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Sofia. I swear to you,
I' ve been listened to less than

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Infanta Sofia, who calls herself the
Queen. For one thing, I'

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m Madrid. I don' t
know if I can tell I' m

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madrileña. It' s going to
be clear to you right now that I

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' m Madrid. Okay, I' m gonna tell you what happened to

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me the other day at Peñiscola.
I didn' t know where Peñíscola was.

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I don' t know. It' s not good today, but

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I was in Peñíscola. I'
m Madrid. For me it is all

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Madrid, that is, for me
there is no life beyond parla and it

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is and then in parla there is
no life, which is as it is

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a bit contradictory in parla you have
no life. There' s someone out

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here, yeah, and what are
you doing here to suck her up to

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the man, or not going,
because she was in Peñiscola and she was

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in a bar. I wanted to
order a glass of water and of course

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I am used to the water of
Madrid, which is the best water in

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the world. She' s Christian
Ronaldo of the Waters, only much better,

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because she' s never going to
have an accusation of sexual harassment.

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That' s how you can trust
the water of Madrid and the applause of

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demagoguery. Of course, I already
knew the magician that was going to work

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and then I asked for a glass
of water. And at that very moment

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when I was asking for a glass
of water, I realized that I was

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not in Madrid and that it was
a coastal area. Then I said Hostia.

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I thought super fast. It'
s a coastal area. Maybe you

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don' t drink tap water here. Maybe I should have ordered a bottle.

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But all this with my mouth already
saying a glass of water. Please,

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then my brain collapses and I said
why I don' t know if

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you drink in a glass here.
Auntie realized she was madrileña. Idiot sorry

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for the redundancy. I like to
make Madrid jokes. I like it a

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lot because no one ever gets angry. No one from Madrid has been angry

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or over a joke, but with
your own dick in your mouth you don

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' t hear anything do around.
Why do you think we say that we

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have semen here and it' s
hard for us to speak clearly, because

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we have the ghost limb syndrome,
which is like when we speak the mouth

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is empty, it' s like
where it is. Anyway, I'

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ve been advised to tell you about
banal topics to start with, and so,

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then, I can tell you anything
to see banal themes. How about

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the income statement this year my bad, mine bad,' cause I was

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going out to get back and I' m saying fucking weird if I was

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already cured of bullying. What'
s going on? I don' t

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know if this banal thing. I
don' t know if well, maybe

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it' s a little soon another
or better, another, better, another.

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You have realized how bad it is
on the holidays this year, on

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the calendar to which it is,
from January to April we had not a

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single holiday or one. I was
just talking to a friend the other day

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and she said good. But it' s three months. It' s

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okay. I' ll be right
back. It' s Christmas that you

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see how time goes by and I' m fucking sayin' that months is

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a lot of time. It'
s three months before it' s been

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three months. These people who live
in the future remind me of my kind

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who in the first race already said
they were journalists. It' s like

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uncle, wait, don' t
wait, you still lack a lot of

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dicks to eat to be journalists.
Don' t worry, you' re

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going to eat them. That'
s for sure. There' s some

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more reporters here. Yeah, how' s it going on the CP page

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now? It' s working fine
now. Okay, I just don'

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t know if it happens to you, because it happened to me when I

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finished the race, which is like
uncle, I' ve missed something in

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this race. Like he' s
known me a little bit, it'

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s clear to get pointed in the
inem already it' s like college doesn

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' t make anything easier for you. Uncle is but good. Anyway,

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I was talking to this friend about
this holiday thing, because we were just

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talking about the eight. I swear
to you, the eight is in the

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block of banal subjects I swear it' s complete chance It' s okay.

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I' m not taking care of
this. We were talking about it

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because I had called a strike in
some communities and not in others, but

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she said equally good. I,
even if there was a strike here with

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a bite in Madrid, I couldn' t have done it because I'

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m a cop and the cops,
because we don' t have a strike

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and how you can' t strike
the cops instead of hitting sticks every three

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minutes, you hit every fifteen,
that is, services, minimum services,

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no and with more bad shit,
because you' re on strike on top.

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Well, as long as you get
the point. Yes, the rumors

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are true. I don' t
really fuck anything. Don' t fuck

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always say people b being super easy
aunt, fuck when you want. I

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don' t know what the lincel
said. But I mean, I have

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friends who say fuck. I didn' t miss anything and a month ago

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his last fuck that you say good. Me. The last time I fucked

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was in December of two thousand nineteen
I swear to you. That was the

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last White Christmas I had. The
last one has caught him now I don

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' t jewel any of this.
It' s a fact I give you

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just to know me. But of
course I, thinking about this, say

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fuck, because I' m going
to put my pussy in Wallap Pop.

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If I don' t use it, not or at least I don'

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t take another one. But it' s just not that good. He

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' s in such a bad state
that I' ve had to call him

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off three times already. I'
d teach it, I swear, I

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' d teach it, but,
well, we' re not gonna teach

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here on TV either. It'
s just that you weren' t going

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to see anything either. But it' s very dark. It' s

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darker than Stevie Wonder' s thoughts. You weren' t gonna see anything.

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I think I fuck very little because
I don' t know how to

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hook up and I don' t
know how to hook up because I don

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' t know how to relate to
men and less to Internet people. That

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there are some on the Internet that
tell me listen I would do you a

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favor, I say what favor you
will do me. You' re going

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to stay home waiting for the package
that comes back to me two and the

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others tell me I gave you very
good what you' re going to give

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me your electronic signature and more,
if I can make a transfer like but

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the ones that piss me off the
most of all are the ones who,

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when you answer, tell you what' s wrong with you. You'

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re pissed because you' re on
the rule that you' re morons.

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Women don' t have to be
pissed when we' re on the rule.

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It' s before the fucking rule
that you don' t understand that

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if you are, you are normal. Dude, it' s to see

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thanks, it' s not that
you either. I want to insult you

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is that I' m going to
get the rule sorry, but well,

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I still really like men. I
can' t do anything about it.

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I haven' t discovered the button
of homosexuality. I still like men and

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I value educated men very much.
There aren' t many of those left.

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That' s what they tell you. Excuse me. It would be

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very daring to send him a picture
of my dick. I don' t

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understand this. This is about valuing
cocks well that is, putting note to

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cocks. What I am to your
teacher and what I do if you don

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' t get to the average I
suppress you or as well it' s

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bureaucratic. It' s dick photo
come stamp approved suspense. It' s

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all super cold, which is like
what kind of hook- up this is.

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It makes me so weird to have
seen someone' s genitals and you

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don' t even know what it' s called, that' s where

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you' ve put the romanticism in
it because I can' t find it.

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He' s already completely lost himself. The photo- chickens they send

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you are against stings from below.
You know no, so that makes everything

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look bigger without size reference around,
I mean, they don' t even

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put you on the pencil and kea
that' s like a guy a little

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bit know the size something and tell
you what. You think, well,

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I don' t think I know
how. I mean, those guys haven

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' t come out, but by
the way, let' s not.

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I don' t want to cut, either, uh, I don'

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t want to force. I'
m not a or h no sorry eh.

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And besides, the cocks, man, they' re on the order

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of the day. Everyone' s
sending cocksuckers. That' s right,

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everybody sends cocksuckers. My grandfather sent
me one once. I swear to you,

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my grandfather sent me one. Evidently, it wasn' t for me,

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man, you were wrong. It
was for my mother. He doesn

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' t love me that much.
But, well, since you' ve

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brought up the subject of people on
the Internet, I' m very interested.

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I just had to tell you something
about this. Internet people. Twitter.

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Twitter freaks me out. They once
got mad at me on Twitter because

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I said ultrasounds in three days of
babies are ugly. I don' t

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know if you' ve seen the
ultrasounds, these that do you when you

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' re pregnant. So, I
said they' re ugly and they got

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a lot angry pro- life,
it' s okay that they' re

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people who are against abortion. I
literally said that I shit shit with more

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human form than those ultrasounds are worth, which is true, it' s

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no joke. The provida got angry, they called me a murderer, they

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called me a lucifer, and like, wow, I' m finally famous

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Mom came out of the Bible,
they called me a sinner who sounds the

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new song of Borne vertins. They' re not cool a little bit,

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but it' s true the ultrasounds
between days aren' t pretty. Man,

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they' re not pretty. I
don' t know if you'

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ve seen them They' re not
pretty. You know what' s not

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pretty either? The insults I received
for saying this, you know what'

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s also not nice, the death
threats I received for saying this you know

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what' s less beautiful about this
whole thing. The ultrasounds in three of

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uncles are facens are very ugly,
p and they are because you can not

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say this. You can' t
say this because you' re against life.

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Not if I' m totally in
favor of the ugly ones, I

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mean, if we need fangs and
for me as a fucking mother, I

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' m going full with them.
My favorites are the ones who say that

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I wish, the parents of the
people who joke about abortion would have aborted,

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which is how you don' t
see it. You don' t

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see that we agree. I fucking
hug, give me a pussy hug and

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stop bothering at the door of the
sports clinic. Hell, I wish people

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lived a good abortion, which is
the opposite. But this one is proven.

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These people who got mad at me, they looked at me on my

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twitch because these people are very researching, but especially looking back, back,

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back. In the past they are
very nostalgic. I like these people a

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lot. The past scoured me on
my twitch and pulled one off of the

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International Suicide Prevention Day. I think, I mean, it' s not

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International Suicide Day. I think because
it would be ugly not to plan an

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International Suicide Day as we' re
all going to stay this day for no.

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I don' t think so.
I think it' s suicide prevention

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day it' s wrong that I
don' t know this because it'

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s because I was interviewed by a
radio station in Valencia, because I had

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a military brother who killed himself and
then they interviewed me that day and provida

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them. The provida people. He
took my tweet, quoted it and told

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me Carmen, you should take an
example from your brother. I proliferate them

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and say no prior man. I' m not going into the army.

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Not really. Thank you so much
if you went to the fucking audience.

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Thank you so much.