Método Gottman: parejas felices

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Bombax, why the affective relationships I
have are not stable. I like assertiveness,

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why it invites us to prudence that
what should motivate our word is always

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the love soy and that is already
the basis to go out to conquer many

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goals, to fight, to give
a better version and to enjoy life fully.

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You know, a forty- year- old man writes to me and

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asks me how to resolve conflicts with
his wife. It makes it clear to

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me that they love each other that
he recognizes their mistakes and that he would

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like to have criteria for working on
how to overcome the difficulties they are experiencing.

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In reply I think of the Godman
method That, which was developed by

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psychologist John Godman, which has a
therapeutic approach based on the scientific research that

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he has worked and which has shown
that it is effective in his work with

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couples. Unlike other approaches, Godman
focuses on solving problems in specific, that

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is, not on raising those general
issues, but on becoming concrete in what

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today takes peace away, in that
which today distances, in that which today

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generates emotions. He insists on his
method that the emotional connection between the couple

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' s members must be cultivated and
that this requires at least three very specific

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skills. The first, to communicate
effectively, yes, to know, to

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speak, to know to listen,
but above all, to express and receive

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the needs and feelings of the other
and to communicate them clearly, assertively,

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knowing to listen with empathy and validate
the emotions and views of the couple.

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Without good communication, conflicts are going
to escalate, not to be resolved.

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That' s why we have to
train day by day in that skill.

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The second he believes that conflicts must
be managed in a healthy way. This

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implies accepting them, assuming that they
are part of life, that they are

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not exceptional experiences, but that they
are part of everyday life. To do

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this, excessive criticism must be avoided, because sometimes conflicts are an opportunity for

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you to pull out your arsenal of
judgments, your arsenal of criticisms and somehow

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destroy that person you claim to love. We must also avoid contempt. Of

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course you chose her. Did you
choose him? You want to live with

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her? You want to live with
him and, for the same reason,

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you can' t show yourself with
contempt. The third is to avoid defensive

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attitude. It' s not about
who wins or who loses, let alone

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who' s right or who.
No. It is about finding solutions that

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satisfy both, that meet the fundamental
needs of both, and that create a

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security context for them to move forward. He believes that the emotional connection needed

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in a couple to resolve conflicts involves
training in those three skills, communicating effectively,

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managing conflicts in a healthy way,
and strengthening intimacy. In this third

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one, I insist on a good
sexual experience that goes from the most general

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to the genital, knowing how to
devote quality time to being together, creating

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shared experiences and expressing mutual affection,
mutual appreciation, and admiration. There'

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s three of them. I now
continued to write as I answered the message

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and recalled the fundamental principles that Gothman
poses for a relationship to work and that,

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surely, generate attitudes to resolve conflicts
well. He speaks of having identified

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four patterns of communication that are highly
predictive of divorce from separation and that he

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calls the four horsemen of the apocalypse
and are criticism, contempt, defensive attitude

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and putting constant obstacles. For all
we have to avoid living the relationship of

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couple from those patterns of behavior,
because if we live them, surely,

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we will end up distanced and we
will end up breaking the relationship. No

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one can stand to live under the
constant scourge of criticism, contempt, the

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defensive attitude of negativism. No one
that sooner or later ends up ending the

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relationship. The second principle that I
think is fundamental to bear in mind is

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the one we call ratio five to
one and that in other podcasts I have

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put to them. He has discovered
Godman John that happy couples have five positive

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interactions for each negative interaction. In
other words, positive interactions must be increased

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and negative interactions must be reduced.
That sounds logical, that sounds simple,

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it sounds obvious, but it'
s not so conscious in everyday life.

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Many have become accustomed to having negative
interactions with the couple. Yes, it

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is a custom, to complain about
expressing lovelessness, to believe that the other

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is not giving enough and that does
not help to be happy. And the

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third principle that I remembered and wanted
to answer and I wanted in the answer

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I made to this man is that
of the maps of love. These are

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mental maps that each couple creates to
better understand each other' s interests,

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values, dreams and past experiences.
Couples must create and update their love map

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over time, because they surely bring
in the love maps they learned at home,

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the love maps they learned seeing Dad
and Mom or who learned in previous

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relationships and come with them. And
it' s okay. But you have

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to be aware of how different they
are or how they are causing a bad

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influence on the current relationship and then
you have to look for what are your

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partner' s values, what is
it that excites you, what is it

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that makes you happy, what is
the world you want, what is it

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that is dreaming where you are going
and work on creating the very map of

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love of the couple relationship that you
are having there. I gave him a

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summary of what I read about John
Gottman, hoping this person would now ask

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his own questions. I don'
t know, he hasn' t answered

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me again, but I said here
is an episode of the podcast and what

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I' m sharing with you,
whether it' s for those who are

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married, whether it' s for
those who don' t live together and

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are thinking about doing it, or
just for every human being who has relationships

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with others and needs to learn clearly. Besides, I told him to read

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the Book Love is to win it
all from my authorship. Hey. Thank

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you for being there and thank you
for sharing this episode with me. We

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' re in dise We' re
in Apple, in Amazon and, of

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course, in Spotify. You know
or